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Not the best month
posted : Saturday, March 23, 2024
To say this month has been eventful is a bit of an understatement, I think. Even if it’s just two events that has been occupying my mind almost daily.
First there’s that urgent/impromptu trip up to KL to support a friend in need. I still am not sure how to put this down in words because…I still don’t quite understand what happened? All I know is that I needed to be there to make sure she is okay, because at some point during the week I feared that we had lost her forever. Distance apart and the fact that her family is scrambling to attend to it (and thus don’t have time for us) meant that news were trickling in and we had to try to find other news sources, piece together what happened, and desperation grew. In the end she’s fine, came to terms with her loss, and seems eager to move on. But I’ll never forget that surreal feeling of fearing for a close one’s life (even though as we found out later, she was never actually in any danger). Then came back from KL right into work appraisal session, on the same day. Teams are fine, almost everybody took their news rationally (some admittedly good news, so I don’t see why they should complain) and the one that didn’t, I thought I dealt with it fine. Maybe playing the pity card worked, which brings me to the next point of why I even had a pity card to begin with. I have been saying for years that I put my team(s) up front and I didn’t mind my own score, so long that I am satisfied with what I have done. I have been chanting the mantra that it’s totally fine if bosses don’t see it, so long I have done what is right. That tune has been growing weaker with each passing year and this year I completely lost it. To be fair, it was a good score. It couldn’t have been better, actually. But the focus was all wrong. I would so gladly trade the score for a grade promotion, because I very clearly felt that I belonged there. All the work I have done this year is of that level. My peers have been there for years. Within my division I have been overtaken even. But while HR’s goal posts shifted, boss’ ones haven’t. To be told that I have done nothing wrong and even excelled (and hence deserved that score), but am just not old enough - quite literally - was such a bitter and discouraging blow. I sort of saw this coming to be honest (re my post last year), but being through the year I had got my hopes up and so the blow ended up to be pretty heavy. And I felt like everybody saw my bruises. I am now supposed to build up my profile for a potential chance next year. Was that not what I have been doing? To make things worse, HR shifted goal posts for my juniors too so right now, I am expected to do more than them while sharing the same grade/title, while having the extra task of “building up my profile” as if doing more than them is not an automatic ticket. This is the shortest possible end of a stick. I was running through so many different scenarios in my head since last week and most of them involve leaving this all behind, and moving on, elsewhere. I had to dig really deep to remind myself of my cause, just to get through the week. Friday morning I basically sat and stare at my laptop screen for an hour just watching the email numbers go up and wondering why I do this. I don’t always see eye to eye with my boss(es) on issues and that’s professional and fine, but I felt like this obsession on age maturity crossed a personal line - even if it doesn’t happen to me, it’s gonna happen on someone else and possibly in my team, and I felt like I won’t be able to deal with it again.
Second week after the news was a bit better, but I haven’t shaken off those thoughts and looks like I will be on the lookout. Who knew? Though it’s also equally possible that I distract myself with life and procrastinate on this front. Hahaha.
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Pre-CNY
posted : Friday, January 28, 2022
Really should be on a flight home, but…here I am.
 Where I go whenever I needed to sort out thoughts The urgency wasn’t there this year, for some reason. Compared to last year when I was hanging on to the idea literally like a lifeline (and I will mentally collapse if the trip didn’t happen). Don’t get me wrong, the plan was always to be home for CNY. The green lane announcement only made it easier. Then I landed a nomination for secretariat role for a meeting chaired by big boss…which meant a certain level of commitment. This was dejavu really, reminiscent of the last time I had to do this in 2015 which also clashed with my CNY plans, and ultimately I had to reschedule my flight. And the moment I hear of it I was like, ah, here we go again. Honestly speaking, this time round I can still skive off for a bit because the meeting is really infrequent (only once a month) the previous secretary would be able to cover, but I limit myself to a week off at most to minimize damage. But with travels restrictions being very volatile these days and I cannot afford to be stuck overseas for more than what I budgeted for, things got a little complicated. Ultimately Brunei also suspended the green lane arrangement because of omicron, and that was the nail in the coffin for me - because it now meant some days out of the planned week off spent in quarantine in Brunei and the whole trip just didn’t make sense anymore. So made the decision to not go home. But I was honestly very very surprised by how well I took this blow (yes, it’s a blow). I wasn’t super upset, and I hung on to the idea that I’ll be home for an extended period after this secretariat stint (which coincides with the end of my posting). I told myself - just another half a year to go before I’m home. And it didn’t take too much convincing. I don’t know how it’s like on the other side of things though. I have been preempting family for a while that this year may be tricky, so when I confirmed it there wasn’t much reaction, not that I know of anyway. It’s not that I don’t miss home this time round, or else I wouldn’t be sitting here typing all these, trying to understand why I don’t feel super upset. There’s still a tinge of longing when I see memories of last year popping up, which happens quite frequently by the way. Maybe having a new home played a part in it because I was pretty happy decorating it and planning festive food for CNY eve. I made plans to bake pineapple tarts, and I was quite looking forward to how it’ll turn out. So I don’t know. But I guess I’m not complaining either. I’m not whining about the secretariat role which was the reason I can’t just heck it and take three weeks off like last year, and I have a feeling that this months meeting might get cancelled which would have meant I stayed for nothing. But I mean, who wants to feel so negative during this period? So in the end, I’m at peace with all this and that’s all that matters, right? Until then, I’m really looking forward to that July trip and it better materialize.
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Reno thoughts
posted : Sunday, December 05, 2021
Close to the end of the renovation journey (if this even qualifies as one), some thoughts on an emo day. It is not supposed to be this stressful. Considering I really only needed to do flooring, painting. Electrical works I added in as an afterthought because after looking at the layout of lights in the master bedroom, I realized it will be hard to just install a new fan point without concealing it, and it will be really ugly too. So that’s not a lot of work at all. No carpentry, tiling. No designs, and in fact I am keeping most of the things even if there’s a part of me that wanted to redo the kitchen and master toilet too. So I definitely didn’t need an ID to manage things. Yet it ended up to be exhausting. Maybe it’s coz my mind thought everything will be smooth sailing given that I planned things out well, or so I thought. And so every time something doesn’t go according to plan I flare up. I panicked. And I crash. There’s also a part of me that was sad with the condition of the place - which was a result of not inspecting it closely before taking the plunge. Or maybe even if I had, the lack of experience meant I’d probably miss all these things anyway. Who knew the main door had veneer peeling off? Or the intercom unit is a bit faulty (no sound) and will be my responsibility to fix (rather than the management). Or the fridge had scratches at the back, and the induction hob circuitry will be faulty from lack of use (or so the distributor claimed), and the microwave door had stains IN BETWEEN the glass panels (how did that even happen?), and there’s lots of rusty hinges, and the master bath had some stains on the tiles which don’t seem removable. I can go on and on, but each time I discover something new to fix I just die a little inside. Then depending on the complexity of the issue I’ll either get a little more upbeat or die a bit more inside. There’s also this stress arising from the fear of being scammed/taken advantage of because of my unfamiliarity with this business. Reading nightmare stories from others doesn’t help. I am constantly under the impression that the people I engage are trying to overcharge me and I can’t tell if quotes are reasonable or not, so I ended up deciding based on whether I still have remaining budget to pay for said works - if I do which is most of the case, I won’t spend too many brain cells on it. It’s my way of coping with it. But the stress of it sometimes causes me to lash out, for instance over the painter when he pushed back my paint job by a day. Which was unreasonable on my end when I reflected (even though his attitude could be better and I thought I deserved an explanation at least). The final straw came today when I realized the very likely event that I had to rehack my nicely painted bedroom wall coz the electrician may have incompetently wired wrongly which caused my ceiling fan to trip the whole house. After that I couldn’t even bear to stay in the house for long and decided to give myself a break from it before shit gets mad for the next couple of weeks with all the deliveries and shifting and what not. And mentally prepare myself for the worst. I don’t know if shouldering all this alone had something to do with it. Ha, ha. I do have to be thankful that all these happened while WFH though. I can’t imagine having to make calls to contractors during work, and be there to accommodate all the various appointments for a wide variety of reasons, most of which should be during workdays. Working on this alone without a partner or an ID meant I would probably be taking time off and leave all the time, but with WFH this was resolved - one of the first things I bought (and by chance too) was a dining table and on days I need to be at the house, I just worked from there. Can’t say I am thankful enough. I guess at the end of the day after shifting in, I will still be pretty excited about it but it’s just something I can’t quite picture now. Even a housewarming event and the planning for it if it materializes, sounded super tiring. But we will get there. |
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The blocked path
posted : Friday, August 20, 2021
Once again, I find my path home blocked and this time, surprisingly, it’s because of cases rising in Brunei.
190 cases a day? To think we used to have a grand total of 190 cases after 10 months of pandemic. I guess I was just lulled into this false sense of security. Having successfully gone home during the pandemic without much issues, I thought the path will always be there for me if I need it. So while I miss home, it wasn’t to an extent that I am desperate to go home, panicking about not being able to go home, because there was a certain path which I knew I could follow. Should have known better. Not to say that the path has completely disappeared, but it’s just tougher and a lot more costly, on the SG side of things. Actually on the Brunei side of things…come to think of it, they’d probably reject all short term entry applications now that they don’t have the resources to quarantine/test foreigners. So if they don’t get this under control soon…I guess we know what will happen next CNY. I mean, I am staying positive, but I don’t actually have much faith in them. Rather I am banking on the virus to die down on its own pretty much like the last time round, just that this time they took more people down with them. Trying hard not to lapse back into last year’s mentality at this point of the year. It wasn’t nice. |
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First pages of chapter 2
posted : Sunday, July 12, 2020
One and a half weeks on...well, let’s just say, I didn’t expect to feel this way.
I mentioned a couple of posts ago, that I reached out to my new division soon after the confirmation email came. Ok, new D reached out first by sending a short welcome message, and I responded asking if I could meet with her, which she delegated down to DD. And DD basically said she will reach out to me the week after, when she has finalized area arrangements. On which I was mildly surprised because I had fully expected her to have at least given this some thought, since they had more than ample notice (throwback to the time when they thought I was coming in Jan instead of Jun). Couple of weeks went by, I reminded her and she came back telling me she need more time.
At this point I was a bit frustrated because it’s bad enough to have plans affected by the whole COVID and WFH fiasco, and now even this bit wasn’t going according to my plan. In fact, if you have been keeping track, this whole back and forth went on for 3 weeks plus and by then I was already on the last Friday before my transfer so I gave up and told her that I will speak to her on my first day instead. Was annoyed because I envisioned this as part of my moving on process, to be able to speak to D/DD, find out their expectations of me, convey my views (e.g. how I wouldn’t have been comfortable if they were to ask me to helm a team or sth, how they think I can contribute etc), maybe some informal bits even. But clearly nobody was interested, I guess.
So Day 1 came, had a short chat with DD where she spent more time running through some of the major developments in the area than the admin portion of it all. A few welcome emails from my now colleagues whom I had worked with in the past. Then sat in a couple of meetings. And that’s about it. As days go past I progressively have a few more emails where I am looped in and expected to reply, but overall very low intensity thus far. Not that I mean to compare.
Anyway, finding it extremely hard to move on. Doesn’t help that some of my new areas overlap with my old ones and I find myself making references to my past experience, but having to switch to a new mindset and look from the outside. The first couple of days and maybe even now it’s particularly hard to accustom myself because, physically, there has been no change in environment in that I am still sitting in my living room but the work I am doing is now supposed to be completely different. So I had a harder time getting into the mindset, something I wasn’t expecting.
I had also forgotten how it was to take charge of a new area. Completely unfamiliar with the geography and needless to say, traffic patterns.
The working style is also completely different. I had been very used to calling the shots so it’s weird to need someone to clear replies. And the shock of discovering that even the simplest of replies to a working counterpart requires that clearance, even for more senior staff in my team. No wonder their replies to us have been slow in the past, because boss has to prioritize too. It is frustrating to wait for replies to be cleared before being sent out, while others are chasing. God.
And perhaps most difficult of it all is the fact that I hated the unfamiliarity. I had been so used to knowing what to do with everything that came to me, and had forgotten how it feels to be clueless. I forgot how long it will take to be familiar with everything, and I miss those days already. I find myself wondering if I asked my predecessors too many questions or have I taken up too much of their time. The thing is, I saw this coming because just three months prior, I had a new staff joining my team who was in the exact same predicament, just that her case was worse because her previous role had nothing to do with roads at all and everything is alien to her, while at least I had worked closely with my current team in the past so I had a generic understanding of their work, just that I had to learn the details and processes. So I saw how she struggled and yet when it’s my turn, I find myself mentally unprepared for it. Perhaps I had overestimated myself, but perhaps I really should just remember that it’s still only the first week and it’s unrealistic to expect to pick up everything and fly with it.
So one week on, not feeling that I am contributing much when everybody else seemed swamped so I consoled myself with the thought to enjoy this honeymoon period as much as I can. Forgot that it even existed, guess I was too used to the intense environment I came from. Also nobody checking in on me most of the time to see how I am doing. Found a window of opportunity on the afternoon of polling day eve (because all my teammates were on duty which meant that rightfully nobody was bugging my DD with anything) so I went ahead and had a quick chat with her on the pretext of checking with her on some terms heh. I guess it did help in a way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But for now I can say I am not looking forward to work much. Back to the days when I look forward to weekend before weekday even starts sigh. You don’t know how excited I was about Polling Day PH. And how excited I was about my Anniversary Leave, and Hari Raya Haji PH at the end of the month. And National Day too. And FML after that there’s no more public holidays for a while and no trip back home either.
Part of the negative thoughts this past week and a half also led to me thinking of going back after two years hahaha but I guess that is just me speaking now.
Oh well. I can only steel myself and repeat the mantra that everything will get better with time, a reasonable time at that.
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Last page of chapter 1
posted : Saturday, July 04, 2020
Which clearly didn’t turn out like what I envisioned.
Idea was to go for a long vacation before the transition because it always does wonders in terms of resetting, particularly when it is solo. That didn’t happen, but in the spirit of taking a break I had a symbolic long weekend instead (yay). Though I did have to spend almost the entire Sunday doing up my thank you cards (because of phase 2 reopening I decided against buying online and only had time to go out to look for them during one of the workdays when I was clearing timeoff). Which meant I actually went back to office on Monday to distribute the cards (though it may be months before they get to read it, ok second guessing myself now). And also took some time to clear my cubicle a bit so that it’s easier when I shift eventually. But I guess I did have a good day out, good brunch and eventually at night, scheduled a catch up session with my DD. Made possible by the fact that we stayed within 400m of each other -.- so no real reason to turn it down. It’s kinda his thing to do this though from what I heard the few before me had came up with excuses and eventually it didn’t happen, but for me, it also represents part of my process for closure. And at the end I did enjoy the chat because I always find that I can relate to him in some ways (though I am sure I am not as blunt) and that made it easier to open up to him. But just before I slept that night I remembered that I had completely forgotten to draft my farewell email - had planned to do it in advance because I knew I wouldn’t have time on the final day and it will be a struggle to craft a decent one. So stayed up to do a couple and I think the emotions got to me so it was really tough to fall asleep too. The final day! The morning went by without the usual flurry of emails. That feeling of 无官一身轻 was so wonderful that I will remember it for a while and miss it. I was expecting to send out emails in the morning, and then knowing M was away in the afternoon I got everybody together for a zoom session just so I can take a group screenshot heh I don’t care if I am imposing on anybody by this point (original tradition was to take in office on that single seater sofa but oh well).  Team Cartoon Network And yeah, guess I haven’t left behind a deep enough impression to warrant any personal words from anybody. Oh well. Guess that surprise couple of weeks back was all. Not that I had time to dwell about it on that morning because the lunch buddies had organized a zoom farewell lunch and I spent the morning receiving one surprise delivery after another. And that really, to quote Jamus, warms the cockles of my heart. And thankful for making this day memorable. Would have had more time in the PM if not for the Fireside Chat with the biggest boss in the PM which is just about as awkward as it gets because, really, we were encouraged to speak up but only given a couple of minutes at the beginning to intro and the rest of the time there is literally no chance to butt in as he launched into his speech (he had a lot to cover and not enough time it seems so I think nobody really found any opportunity to jump in) so we were left to stare at the screen (it would be rude to look elsewhere isn’t it) for a good close to two hours. And if I were to be really honest I didn’t find it all inspiring except for a couple of anecdotes - the rest we all know, it’s just a matter of practicing it. Hung up then got into another planned call - this time with the D. Who was clueless about this being my final day unfortunately, so bit of a surprise to him when I initiated it. Which is more awkward then I thought it would be because maybe he was trying too hard to inject his experiences climbing up to where he is now, maybe hoping I will learn something out of it and follow his path. Which is good intention but I just don’t find it as relatable because those aren’t my goals. But at the end I did get to say what I planned to say, which is to thank him for taking a chance with me back when I was still quite junior, because it must not have been easy for him to persuade the bigger bosses to agree. And for entrusting me with projects especially the big one. Half an hour left on the clock, touched up the farewell emails and off it goes. And immediately elicit responses from emails and IMs because WFH probably meant gossip travels slower LOL and news didn’t get out as far as I thought. Which meant I stayed online till my VPN expired to reply to chats. Thought I owed them one coz they are the ones that bothered to check in with me. And there is still one last farewell letter to send to GD which also needed some brain juice to craft (not sure why I second guessed so much but he just have that aura). So the day finally ended proper when that last email was sent out. And got too emotionally spent by the end of it all (and also physically tired coz didn’t have enough sleep the night before) so cancelled my planned run. And simplified my mandatory social media posts. And just took some time to take it all in. And also regretting not taking another day of leave so that I have an entire long long weekend to recover. Something I will regret further the next morning, but that shall be another post.  Various goodies from the awesome Tiffin gang. Thank you for caring enough. LOL-ed at the pineapple though but it is one of my favorite fruits so yep good choice. |
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Reminder to self
posted : Saturday, November 17, 2018
Another 3 months since my last post. Heh what’s new.
This post was originally titled “我很忙” - a nod to an A-Lin song I recently discovered - but did a bit of reflection just as I was beginning to write this post and I realized...am I really that busy as I thought? I think I have definitely been busier at work - those days where I stayed back till 9 or 10 multiple days a week come to mind. So no, I am not really at that stage now. Maybe it’s really all about perception.
So...yeah. What have I been up to.
September was spent at home, then entertaining couple of groups of ppl who came to visit including the sister who stayed for a week +, her longest yet. Then before I knew it, it’s October, which was almost spent exclusively on Lornie. The various discussions, drive throughs, and finally opening and monitoring.
Then there’s the rag project. At the rate I am progressing I am surprised I still have a job hahahah *nervous laugh*
So who am I kidding. I am here really to rant about it.
It should be really straight forward now that instruction has been given...but I am seeing so much red tape. So many details that is needed to secure funds for it. And what is killing me right now is the fact that I know full well that I could have dedicated more time and attention to it, and it would have moved that much faster. But instead, for some reason, when something else cropped up (like Lornie) I immediately decided to divert my attention towards it. Lost count of the number of days and weekends I brought my laptop home to try to work on it (or at least clear other work so that I can get to this when I am back in office), but ended up doing other things (such as trip planning).
Bottom line is, I could have focused on this more, but I didn’t. And the worst part is knowing and understanding all this, but not taking steps to correct it. Criticizing my staff for not prioritizing the right things, but doing so myself. Such a hypocrite.
Heck, even my boss brought this up to my supervisor during ranking and I had the decency to get annoyed about it sigh.
May this post be a reminder to myself then - that I should really buck up because right now, I am not liking this version of myself.
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致故友
posted : Sunday, August 06, 2017
不知为什么，接到消息时，心情出奇的平淡，没有特别的惊讶，或伤感。
或许是因为已习惯对你的不闻不问吧。自己也觉得有这种反应实在很不正常，甚至是冷血的。
不断的摸索，最后发现，唯一的感觉，只是深深的惋惜。
好好一个人，有着大好前途，就这样离去，每次想到这里，不由得叹一口气。
尤其是从丧礼回来，看见白发人送黑发人的场景，真的有点心酸。
四年前最后一次见面，对你只有厌恶，甚至憎恨。你不顾多年友情，说断就断，当时心里还真的是凉了半截。曾经“阿公”前，“阿公”后的缠着我，到大二时你不知为何跟我们翻脸，到大三时你不知为何跟我们和好，到大四时决定一起找房子，到最后反目收场。从来不知哪里得罪你，到最后也心灰意冷了，因为经营这段友谊太辛苦了。
你后来开辟新账号，只加了和你较为熟络的朋友，对我来说，这等同不想让其他人了解你的近况。那我也不过问了。
偶尔会想想，你这么做到底是不是有什么苦衷？难道我们误会了？
但你突然就这样走了，这心结永远解不开了，成了遗憾。而我们到现在连死因是什么都不知道。
话说回头，我还真的有想过，你不让我们知道你的近况，那丧礼你可能也不想要我们去吧？
不过最后也想通了，这是气话，人都走了，我这是在计较什么，还不是放下的时候吗？
你前女友在脸书写道 - 有喜欢你的日子，有恨你的日子，不过这都已经过去了，只要记住你的好，忘掉你的不好。
对我来说，就是记住那些当你“阿公” 的日子，那些一起往实验室检查水晶的日子，那些帮你捶背的日子，那些你当我的照型顾问的日子，那些你为我们搞生日的日子……
对，就只记住这些。
愿你一路好走。
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That P word
posted : Saturday, September 14, 2013
Suddenly it dawned on me...that recently I have been living in a bubble.
I was under the impression that I have it under control...and with regular cream application I can keep it less visible. Reduce the skin growth so I wouldn't have to peel it off frequently, and I wouldn't have random bleeding stains on my shirt. All this while it kept conquering new areas and I lost more and more ground. And I really don't think it has anything to do with my work or lifestyle.
I put on a brave face every time someone asked me about it (problem is, it is incredibly rare too coz I wasn't close enough with many people for them to ask me about it - I actually duno if I am happier if ppl actually asked me about it). Shrugged it off with a "nothing much I can do about it, just hope the recession period comes soon". I made up various excuses and stories every time I went to get a haircut. I even dread going home sometimes even though I miss home a lot because I know my parents get increasingly worried about my condition every time they see me. I dread meeting friends and relatives whom I haven't met for quite some time. I even avoid looking at myself in the mirror now. I have not wore shorts out in a long time, even if I do, they are at least three quarters. I wonder if I would ever get to be attached in this state.
And I kept hoping and praying that it will at least recede a bit soon. I might even lose my belief soon. Birthday wishes, wishing wells, shooting stars etc etc are never for real.
I live life as normally as I can, but there hasn't been a single day when I have not thought about it. Seeing all the people and men out there...I feel abnormal. Probably borderline hating myself now too. Yes I have accepted that it is now part of me, but I never stopped wondering how this could happen...must have done something really terrible in my past life to deserve this. Else how come i so "suay" to get the right combination of genes to have this, right. Yea i know there are lots of even more unfortunate ppl in this world so sue me for whining about this, because this is really my limit already i duno if i can tolerate more terrible things like cancer and what not.
Cleaning auntie in office is always asking me about it and nagging at me to go see doctor...sometimes she tells me I shouldn't have kids because I should not pass on this "thing" wtf (and if that day really comes I think I will probably be so conflicted inside). I know there are alternative treatments, more drastic treatments, I don't really know what is stopping me from going to them...the cost? The confirmation that "yes it is really that bad creams are no longer sufficient"? I duno.
I know there are still tons of positives in my life but this is such a huge negative i duno if anything can help me "break even". Sometimes I look back and I know this has changed me as a person...no longer confident about anything. Too much frustration built up within me and I am always lashing out on my loved ones now, the only ones I know who will still stand by me. Wait, I dun even know if that is true now.
I duno, I think I need some sort of help? Physically and yes probably mentally. There I have admitted it.
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没种亲口跟您们说的话
posted : Wednesday, June 13, 2012
坚决不收下那只手表，不代表我不孝。
只是不愿你们在浪费那些冤枉钱。只因为我已经不知道要怎样说，你们才会明白我的病况。
如果我黑脸，坚持，能够让你们不再乱听信谣言，乱花钱被人骗，我才管不了那么多咧。
让你们再那样下去，我才是不孝。
在这里说又有什么意义呢？顶多也是我一个人在看。真的有想过留字条在手表盒里，可是那种画面是只有在电视剧才会work 的...又不是没试过类似的桥段，效果差很远，还是不要乱来为妙。
临出门的那晚，在家乱发脾气，不是第一次。只是没人理解这是因为要离家心情不好。只会一味认为我是喜怒无常。
或许是我太天真？朋友家人之中，很少像我那样逻辑思考的人吧？
总是希望别人通过部落各了解我的生活，我的想法，但是原来很少人愿意这么做。
想要姐通过我的部落各传达一些我的心情想法给两老，可是这是多么异想天开的事啊。
我的心情，他们不能体会，不愿相信我的病况，我明白他们依然非常关心担心，我很感激，可是我要的只是他们明白我实在的病况，不是听那些三姑六婆，四叔八公说一些有的没的。什么“xxx 以前也是酱，后来吃了/擦了xxx才好的。” 而xxx 总是价值不菲或需要什么特别心机去炮制的。
为了让他们死心，试过多少次那些xxx 了？也不知证明无效多少次了。就是仍然不肯相信我。
提起这个话题，我已经尽量不要回话了，因为我知道我若回话，过不久后一定会忍不住爆发的....忍了几次最终还是小吵了一顿...唉。
我看起来不在乎？你们认为我真的有可能不在乎吗？真的只是不要你们多担心，看来弄巧反拙了吧？
犹豫了一阵，本来这篇我想po在我私人的那一个...可是算了啦，谁知道，有朝一日他们可能终于看到，明白？哈哈天真的心理再度作祟...就是撇不下那小小的可能性和希望.... 我不想管了啦...... |
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Holidays
posted : Thursday, December 15, 2011
Havent even posted anything since, uh, before i ended exams.
So for the sake of wrapping things up...traffic flow paper didnt turn out too bad. At least from my point of view, got everything done, wasnt completely sure about half of the paper but my two other batchmates didnt have much clue either so we just shrugged it off together. How convenient =.= Oh well at least that wraps up Sem 7..FYP excluded. Went for the Titanic artifacts exhibition the next day, costs $20 and I think its pretty interesting..even rewatched Titanic beforehand to get a feel of it before entering the exhibition..exhibition covers everything from construction process and ended with the knowledge that the remains of the ship will vanish in another 40 years or so as the metal is being eaten up by bacteria. One of the main attractions, the recreated Grand Ballroom staircase..its a pity I didnt get to spend much time on it as there was a photographer stationed there, getting you to pose for a picture once you enter the place and asking you to leave immediately after =.= And another totally random one called "Singapore in 1912" (when Titanic sank) showing pictures of some local streets and a couple of newspaper clippings...but everything else was pretty ok...not eye opening, but enough to interest me. Found time to catch two movies..."一泡而紅" with Stel, by local star Michelle Chong in her first attempt at producing and directing (and starring in) a movie. Considering its her first attempt...I didnt reli mind the pacing problems (was a bit too draggy in the middle and the ending was a bit too skimpy), was rather funny too (though I really hate those people who laugh at nothing in particular) but I duno if I am an authentic enough Malaysian to comment on her mimicking of the Malaysian Chinese accent...sounds overdone to me. "那些年，我们一起追的女孩" is a movie I have been itching to watch simply because there are too many good reviews even from the ang moh pai people...and I went alone one fine night..really not bad..good mixture of humour and inspiring stuff, I guess it appeals to many people because it is something that they can relate to..and even set me spending some time thinking about stuff.. Even found time to volunteer for Standard Chartered Marathon Singapore this year, as a baggage crew at Harbour Front...a totally new and exhausting experience. In short we collect belongings of runners and transport them to the finishing line...about 20k of them doing the half marathon route and it is estimated that half of them have bags to deposit,and we ended up collecting only 3k + bags? Many people who are still in the queue for bag deposit half an hour after the race started were told to go home because they have missed the race..and there were some unpretty scenes...here's my take. Either come earlier (because we spent the first hour after the counter opened pretty much doing nothing because the arrival rate is so freaking low), or just dont bring a bag, or a small one to keep necessities like a change of clothes maybe. I have no idea why some of them have to bring such huge and bulky bags which took forever to pack..and imo the people packing in my team were kind of slow I guess. But still..coming early is the best solution. Also found it strange that the organizing team were not very familiar with manpower deployment, because we were told that we had to handle baggage claim at the finishing line too..and when we went back to the Padang there were another fresh team of volunteers waiting there. Turns out we dont have to do it anymore and they themselves were not very clear of our roles? Zzz. Not that I dont mind getting released at 830am instead of 130pm though... And didnt find time to go for the CVE4 chalet..although right until around 20 hours before I was planning to go..then had a traumatizing time at FYP meeting that totally demoralized me and made me really emo...completely my fault (because I didnt clarify enough and got blindly sent to the wrong track) and I suppose I didnt take it seriously enough...in the end rushed out some more things for him before going home..but I am pretty sure I would fear these weekly meetings more than ever from now on. As for now..holiday at home...internet connection at home has gotten worse each time I go home and I duno why...sometimes loading a normal page takes forever :S. Learning to accept the fact that holidays are not meant to be holidays for final years...and the feeling of not wanting to return to Sg is stronger than ever. Sigh. Labels: emo, FYP, holidays, outings, volunteering |
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Recess week
posted : Saturday, September 24, 2011
Half the semester is gone.
You know, I can go on and on about how lousy my self-discipline is, because ever since design project ended I haven done much. But yeah, I wont. Maybe I need a complete humiliation the next time I meet my prof before I wake up. *emo* Still can catch up during the second half...I guess I need all the strength I can gather. ********************************* Bombed quite a bit recently...external hard disk, and bought a new pair of specs too....to an extent that I actually gave up a chance to do something I really wanted. Signed up for a beginner's tennis course organized by SRC and recently they contacted me saying there is a vacancy...then out of nowhere the reluctance to bomb another $80 + on course fees and possibly $70+ on a racket took over me and I rejected the offer. Regretting it already. ********************************* It was good catching up with the McNair gang. We went different paths after those two years, some of us drifted apart, and I am kind of sad that I cant seem to sustain a convo with some of them anymore, but I will always remember those two years of my life :) Cant seem to find the same kind of feeling with the hall people (or maybe I just didnt try hard enough) Grad trip with them may not be possible though :( Digging through all the pictures I had to find pictures to print for my wall decoration, and I just couldnt stop smiling throughout. Before JC...cameras werent popular, heck there isnt even many camera phone models in the market hence was severely lacking in photos of my 4 BFFs and my other 青梅竹马s (though definitely not short of those images in my head). During JC....lots of photos, but no fb to upload to lol. Now as I dig thru that pile of photos, watch those videos, all the memories started flowing back..I even started missing my room mates. Maybe I should start to upload some of the funnier videos...it would be interesting to see their reactions...nostalgic... 
My wall of memories.
********************************* Maybe getting back my blogging habits will help me spend less time aimlessly online........posts these days are so boring because I accumulate all these thoughts in my mind and when I want to write it all out, lost the feel already and gave up writing in the end. ********************************* What would you do, perfecting yourself for a someone or just wait until someone who accepts you come along? Labels: emo, reminiscing |
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Weeks 7-9!
posted : Monday, July 11, 2011
Haha procrastination owned me again :S
Quite a number of things other than work happened...work was not very demanding as usual, other than last week when the engineers had a supposedly high-workload task to be completed by Friday afternoon and to their dismay, I took one day off (more on that later)! To compensate I actually stayed back till 7pm on Week 8 Friday to make my life easier when i come back...like their faces when they were leaving and they saw me still working lol. Turns out time pressure works well with me and made me a lot more efficient than usual, even though I was fighting another bout of flu. Heh heh. Task completed with one day to spare :D *********************** 6-7-2011 I guess you just have to be prepared for someone to leave, abruptly sometimes, when he/she/it has reached a certain age. It's just too bad that he couldnt wait until I return, but I guess I wouldnt want him to suffer (i was told that he was, during the last few days of his life) any longer. Wont be seeing you anymore, I am sure you are at a better place now, but will definitely miss you dearly. *********************** Submitted FYP choices and Design Project choices. All there is left is to sit back and wait. Oh, and I guess it is a bad thing when my senior in the company asked me about my FYP and I cannot remember the full title of my first choice project. ************************ Hosted KH twice in a matter of four days...first, when he came back from HK after his attachment there, landed in sg at night and stayed over for the night... I was working the next day, so we didnt go anywhere and he went home the next day...then two days later, he is on the move again, this time to Sydney for exchange! Sigh envious..the guy has travelled around almost half the world already. Took leave on Monday to accompany him (considering he took almost a week of leave to bring us around HK/Macau when we were there, one day is really nothing lol). Anyway the only attraction we managed to cover was MBS, (he arrived on Monday afternoon and left on Tuesday morning), for a nice dinner, okay maybe not as nice as the price suggests but still not bad, and a visit to the casino of course...not much, but still good time spent with a good friend :) ************************ Friday nights have officially became my lonely/single/whatever night out....covered Sg River and the Downtown area twice, almost wanted to walk over to Sentosa one week before deciding that I am too tired. Have been to these places numerous times, but I can never get bored of them :) Find it super relaxing to have music blasting in my ears (funny how relaxing and blasting can coexist) and just sitting down and taking in the view. :)) ************************ Visited Commencement only once this year, the ME graduates', and none of us could withstand from visualizing ourselves in one year's time...."what shall I wear", "should i cut my hair", "i want flowers!" etc etc. One year left, and into the working world we go. ************************* And to think that everything will go according to plan...no, unfortunately we are not POLITICALLY CORRECT ENOUGH. We didnt make hall sound like a safe heaven to parents where their children will be pampered. For goodness sake if you dont approve of these activities in the first place, why not stop them?? And why leave until the very last minute, when books have been printed and are to be delivered the next day, and you majestically raised up your hand and say (command), "return them and reprint." You have no idea how we felt like strangling you the moment we heard about it and you really cant blame us about it - WE WERE SO CLOSE. ************************* Officially declaring Radio 1003 as my favourite radio station in Sg. Lol! They were giving out movie premiere tickets/sneak preview tickets and last week they were giving out tickets to none other than HP7 Part 2!! So during the afternoon session giveaways they will play this game..not until the last day of the giveaway did i seriously try to win tickets...didnt manage to get anything from the morning session...then played the game in the afternoon session and managed to pick up the song!! And got picked as the winner! Woah! Lol first time won something from radio station after several attempts muahaha. So I am watching the movie one day earlier than the rest of SG hehehe. :D ************************** 现在看见你，脑海总是不由自主地闪过 "假! 假! 假!"...看来友情真的已走到尽头了.... Labels: around singapore, emo, intern, NUS, outings, Raffles Hall |
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Blue
posted : Tuesday, February 01, 2011
You know what is a Squib in Harry Potter world? It's a person born as a wizard/witch but could not do anything magical.
I feel like a Squib in the world of civil engineering. ***************** CNY is coming!! In two days! Omg. But you know what, for some reasons, I am not too excited about it. Not the greatest feeling to start the new year, eh? Labels: emo |
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Week 11
posted : Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Okay...so there is less than one month left to exams.
I think I am so used to lagging behind every semester that I pretty much stopped complaining about it already. My knowledge of each module I am taking at the moment is only up to the topics tested for quizzes, even then I don't reli understand what is going on. Don't understand as in any slight variation is good enough to leave me confused. Even though I think one big improvement I have is that I am completing all my graded assignments by myself..as compared to being totally lost last year or last sem. I wonder if I would ever have a perfect semester when I can read my lecture notes before lecture, come back and revise what is taught, prepare tutorials beforehand, finish assignments all by myself, and start preparing for exams two or three weeks before exams. Just not disciplined enough. But you know what? That is what I have been doing all the time until around 5 years ago. Not the first time I am saying this but sometimes I really miss my old self. The joy and satisfaction of being able to understand what is going on in class, never falling asleep or even feeling tired and lethargic, and being able to explain to my peers when they dont understand, or even being the source of answers (it is rare) during the playful times when cheating happens in class during tests. As compared to looking completely blank most of the time when I was asked a question. Or pretending to understand when I really don't. I chose to hide my competitive self after secondary school, and now I think I hid it so well that it is lost. I think last semester was really a case of pure luck. How can I get A- for a module that I don't really understand what is going on at all? How can someone else who understands what is going on and works harder consistently score lower than me? I dont understand. But whatever the case is, I don't think it will work this time round. 4 quizzes so far and messed up every single one of them. I don't practise enough too. So I am usually slow and can never finish even a quiz. Okay enough ramblings for the day and ended up saying nothing much about the topic. But you know the drill anyway - projects, assignments, meetings, hall. Only slightly more than one month left to home! Labels: emo |
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Mood swings
posted : Thursday, April 15, 2010
Duno why but mood seemed to swing from one extreme to another within a short period of time. Just tonight alone it switched a few time. I can get pissed off over small things and sometimes nothing in particular and the next moment something will cheer me up until u can see a big grin on my face.
And no, I refuse to attribute that to exam stress. Because however lagging I am, I actually found time to slack. To watch some youtube vids, To play handphone games. To attend block supper and meetings. How can u call that stressful? Desensitized by this thing that happens once every semester. It matters, of course. But why can I actually shove it aside? Why can I allow myself over-relax when I have been doing that for most part of the sem? I don't understand. I don't think anybody does. Looks like there is only one thing I can do and I am not even sure if I can bring myself to do it. Don't bother me. This is a weird post. |
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Monday blues
posted : Monday, March 22, 2010
Surprised even myself with posts two days in a row.
Had a long day today, started with waking up late and hence missed breakfast as I was almost late for lab already. Then in lab I was kind of in a bad mood, duno why. Then slept thru half of 3132 lecture and quarter of ESE lecture, and my one hour break in between coz I was having a headache by then. Ended by enduring yet another PBL meeting. I duno wat's the point of this post actually. I was just so sick of everything this afternoon. Couldnt find the energy to sit down and diligently listen to what the lecturer is saying. It didnt help the lecturer, although nice, was very monotonous and I slept right under her nose. I wonder if she realized. Sigh, back to work. |
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Sigh.
posted : Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I always thought master's list people were treated in a separate way. They get the rooms they want, the nicer Block 3A rooms (correct me if I am wrong) and so on. Because, I thought, we are sort of "invited" to stay in RH. So our treatment cant be bad. So it was only natural that I thought that my single room is safe and I only need to request to move into my room after my vacation stay ended.
How wrong I was. We are actually at the bottom of the heap. Because we supposedly have no hall points. Went to talk to the manager to see if I can move into my semester room earlier (coz my vacation stay will end on 23rd and I supposedly can only move into my semester room on 30th). Only to be told flatly that I will most likely stay in the room I am in now, a double room, until the end of the ACADEMIC YEAR and I have almost zero chance of moving to a single room. I mean, he must be joking right? Zero chance? The procedure, as he told me, is that master's list people get whatever is left after the hall people get their rooms. Because we have no hall points to ballot for rooms. I argued that I do have quite a bit (even though my ranking is quite low at around 77th). He pointed out that I would get a double room anyway coz my points are low. He then went on to say that he have a few single rooms in his hand now and these will go to those regular hall people who requested for it. Then, he told me I most likely will stay in a double room until end of the academic year. Quite shitty. I think he isnt bothering to help out. "Maybe u shud find some poor (financially) guy who wants a double room and swap wif him." (I thought this line was offensive) Maybe that is my only chance now. I got reli emo after the short meeting. Feeling more ok now coz Jasvind moved a speaker to comm hall and Shereen was blasting her Chinese and Canto 1990s songs and I had fun singing along. And the company in comm hall. Double room. No more privacy. Practically no more freedom. Can't do anything I like coz mz be considerate. No more privacy. Probably no more skyping wif parents whenever I feel like it. No more huge storage space. No more privacy (I cant stress this enough). No more playing songs on my speakers (bye speakers, see you next year BECAUSE I WILL DEFINITELY GET ENOUGH POINTS TO STAY AND GET MY SINGLE ROOM). Hello Music Library (and maybe other libraries and quiet study corners), I suppose I will see you quite often, if I am not doing some hall activity or in class. Oh well, at least I get to save some money, and maybe I can get my new comp. I reli felt like getting a new one. Not that this one is not functioning anymore, its definitely not good as new although it is still usable, doesnt lags much, only that there are minor problems here and there and the fact that it is 101% relying on AC power. Oh wait. Off-topic. Maybe I should just stay in a single room for vacation stay. Then I would have guaranteed myself a single room and reduce other complications. Maybe I should go and yell at the Phoenix people and boycott them next sem coz they suddenly demerit me 0.5 points which made me get kicked out of hall etc etc. Ok that was just a joke. No point thinking of these now. But seriously, sigh, I am actually starting to doubt myself..why do I think so much about this issue...maybe I shud have just accepted the fact that RH doesnt want me and guai guai go straight to PGP. Then I wouldnt need to come back all the way and spend two months on float. The more photos I browse on facebook, the more I feel like kicking myself for not staying at home. With family and friends. Fight to get into master's list, stress over it, and now I land myself in this mess. Double sigh. Crossing my fingers and hope I get through all this safe and sound. If I can survive McNair, I probably can survive everything else. Labels: emo, Raffles Hall, rants |
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Milestone!
posted : Friday, May 01, 2009
Today is the 3rd anniversary of blog! Lol..Ok, i think when I started writing I kind of didnt expect to write for three years...but now I think I will preserve this blog no matter what..probably ten years later when I look back at what I have written I could have a good laugh. Hehe.
Ok, this is a bit impromptu..coz I just remembered as well..usually I celebrate blog anniversaries with some special entries...this one will be special as well, because it is coded. Not planning to release the passkey though ;) This post is dedicated to this person who will always hold a special place in my heart. Gerc Jeoggve, Qg nds spma wxikp absh tzxm foqcv hm ygvt dpb sgfe-kz-nnih, oi pdrt wacvmq zr ernp bzkei. Hm oxrkv fx zuue ksia g berc itu, euk T entw yff bb qqon epnz bol hqyr koco i fvhczlt crdcv tv ze kercb ny py wtzfz rfwtkvgo gzctsxleeo. Q uuse ktur nds yptckg tf smnr whv hwhtg, iw lvl, zkak T qzvdrkpl bt bol. T lbt’w keze jnb ble Q puxlu ymiku bitvt sbsvwn gu wacv bb eru rmwhz zhre pny kagamakg bveerkq uj. Jwh chrv azbhdbcj yhowe ryoee dnu diq ckee jwh mrt ksig yps wcwz sh; yff xeueaswg nyneu xm ugof-ypiezhdcj iaj oiketr jld pzc xtrw Z siik eevy buoqkzyo nhruk tb suu qltbr yrmv eqzk. Whv cmfaot, nsqpn vodpbvshs Z sigk wo ksqaq, puje pnbh bvpv ukdrkmzrgnier ig llrje, iaj foedqqkuier bugw yff pnj wo xz nbx d stswygusytx vtweigqrc whv ymkz gap zz gnh drj iszhr, ryl gnh frnb gndt pzc qogn’k ow ny zecw if eru tzcyj ln R Wmikos, gcwzvweu xm gu ievw abxuy spknave nsqyk bol atnihd jtoaoiitlvg zlmv zv bau rvwigornjsqc, O giuy’b, okfaldm V zkolrpg eru npzr rlkv xm, njkeitvt zr olc xeupijp bb lrcld ubxh oe L Trbhlj. T lbt’w keze uuz lfyo qog olc jekdkla pnaqt pzc, V jr keze lux nfh pbrg ae tvsgpold zrirru qwe ykoiemfz ueclbvuqsytx ckuifo izuqg pzce luivylf, hxt Z lu gxxlp dwexb. Aeo Q fnruco pnbh glpafkg tylb bau fitmajvhza qf gomfdb bbhr nsma eru jpvg sh owq ig Ikaerq – nlwei diloqg ffz turdsjmf ch mve itgln lymkvhckplye, dnu oqq trt vgma zdlb ew rgfh feprx. L ad dwexb I rx ahik a tzenxg, ffc vbz gaitvt zr eoatnoq tf jwh ldcv ew sgfe nsma huervqam xp, wzz bclnx jwh g jofo mkvoaelbvuq, ffc vbz hvvy lnxlnx ew pndt ntbu eru nsma eru rcm btoiep, nbx euptvt eru r mqezkdrj xekveee grz gettlrj dgrtvfz vuiazvylnx jwh gw yffz juukgwipk dnu siajlnx tb gu bol, qwe trt klsvtj typ qaowireqik wo tzvggft pzc jnhn Z lu vt Viericuue. Wzz n rrt fq buoqgj. T iz trt jfzr oi tyta vy d sdlty sdtkpz gu bol – T ohkvsvo wgnhrntar. Gjazy, jridujp Q qogn’k eixk whv tvvzlaktdr zr lvlza srrv ljbaw yff. Xrxkagd er ykolwla’z kamp jrmxn ze qa zke wtzfz slrnm, jk eoks sakz ik hif g zrfyo gopier, jhz bek hm okjae. Lvq jxrzyo gnls gpzvug wypv ze pofo qf srsk qznmllv, T kbaode’e knxh mlnp nhruk jwh. O folwla’z dctzucgqy pzc gu vtlog vt Wor Ailuk lzmznxb, I tzcyjq’t dpmg as wzep lux owema, gqd pzc zgb nfe sauz ble abshtzxmf O oivo bb eru nsma O giuy’b ekslp jwhx vmj – T buuxgye bukb wvcm qovtlcjvtj mp dbhjlej, T mikq tyzctnw I jamaz wof xcpn rn gswak eicwa. V irnmtvpkg mpdmyl bol lzr trt ksm eojhk zvr. Ckits Q fzllc mmyohvv dw, oaw I bywj trw ksm btoy dtaggne Z xiqk zaj ew nmuev ew fzdrk tb, fu L ad lb sgxlk. Swjkyei, qwe zke scqrlhsk ameord – dlgok guitvt zke wtzfz whipm jkhkj, T nrrw gipig. O dm kccye kagag gu ee ntbu eru. Vgma zkolrp V qqon hm puxluy’b ygvt czvt. Eru utl n rrt wzz zk ln ffz bth aeo i ugof dzvgnv tfrmgnhr – re bugw tzxm V zkolrpg eru utla’z xnupzfzdnu epnz L dfy’b akhd jxiyr jiwea sxrm pzc gu neva ur ndpgj –jhz qon T cajhrjewbj lt zd vbz whv rqsz euk epr nhaie. Cajhr jezryv fizu rddmj T kbaode’e qazhrgcmg zke dpiaoqgj mmuoqd jfku mhskfzry srfamerb. Aeo Q htgeidbbug nfh bugw hfh phxw yff nrko wypv au dpgcmpodtzzv jgv syzea. Srrv epnt rnv jmnx kaj aifyhd – Z swck bol siik pompl bt, hvvy buuxgy T pnbhn’k. Mcg O kogp er rhaiyb fupeksqam irfx buov bitms xhlreqbtvhza – erro, I utl, n rrt. Z lu auw slcm vl bol xmntw ik pdrxbtzxm lux ajvmq sh ie punoos zq Q ugg a epe bth, oi ow V theu jwh zr ieezb, gqd Z lu auw slcm vl bol siik jokema uyei tb. Ze uegwqry drv fahgolp dpbxw – tf omgku yff – iaj dljz jridujp Q ns dfilqq zr trws gu bol ljbaw typar sdtkpzf gjazy. Q jovh pzc n ndpgj iaj iucqqyrlnx wqsk dhvll – zgbbv zvr jdy np knt vtzwt uow owq tvqh oco xnrv, aeo Q uuse ksig jdy tzury. L ad dwexb. Labels: emo, milestones |
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(untitled)
posted : Thursday, April 16, 2009
I don't want to lose myself.
But problem is, I don't think I ever found myself. Makes sense? Probably not. Labels: emo |
