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Annual work thoughts
posted : Saturday, March 18, 2023
Yet another annual post.
You know what, I was actually disappointed this time round. Like, I really wanted that promotion, and to be told that rules of the game has changed which meant that it will probably be years (barring any more rule changes) before I am getting that promotion..stings. It stung because had I not chose to venture out..I probably would have made it a couple of years ago. Instead, goalposts shifted, and now I’ll be stuck for a bit. Boss still had the cheek to tell me that age wise I had already achieved more than my peers and I was like, no. I had peers from other groups who had been one grade higher for ages. I did console myself a bit in that I didn’t entirely believe my performance last year warranted it either…but it’s more of the realization that even if I did my best this year, I’d still be deemed as “ineligible”…and that just made it a bit less motivating. Not to mention that I am pretty sure I’d be penalized for the delay in some work (fine that’s entirely my fault) so that’s a double whammy. Though as I was typing this out I felt like I got over it already hahah. But I think over the course of the year it’d be a repeated process of such feelings resurfacing, me sighing and then getting over it. They really had me at a stage where they can afford to shortchange me knowing that I probably wouldn’t complain or threaten to move damnit.
Oh well. They are right. It’s not my character to be too bothered about it because as I have always said…I’d do what I can and if it’s not good enough, so be it. The other part of this is releasing staffs scores which I hadn’t done in a while, two years to be exact. More people to release scores to even if strictly speaking it wasn’t me who fought for most of them coz by the time I came in last year, bulk of their work (or sins) had been done..but as always this is a time to look forward rather than dwell on the past. So for the most part it went well, those who didn’t score well took it in their stride and that made my job a lot easier, thank Buddha. But hopefully they all measure up next year or else. Let’s see what happens next year! |
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One month on
posted : Friday, September 02, 2022
Stock take after one month.
The anticipated workload still hasn’t arrived. Reflected a bit, and what I mentioned in my last post was still valid - it’s a smaller pie, more than enough manpower, and not much random side tasks yet. And apparently based on “stats” that have been re-examined again (because others highlight the unjust) the demand for manpower is really there such that I am even getting an additional guy (?!). So I can’t refuse I guess (or it’ll look like I am challenging her authority), nor can I look directly into others’ eyes zzzz. It’s a happy problem to have I guess, so maybe I shouldn’t be complaining. I do feel like team is warming up to me though? I suppose they are really just missing someone to be there for them and I could (because previously they were short of manpower and the leader was too swamped filling gaps). So it’s fortunate I guess. Right place at the right time. Oh that and the fact that I knew what I was doing of course (wuiseh). One of the more memorable events so far was when I got into a heated conversation with a counterpart which everybody disliked/had given up on in front of the entire team/neighboring team and came out of the call on the somewhat winning end. I think they looked like they wanted to give me a standing ovation after I hung up LOL so that maybe boosted my credentials a bit - though what they didn’t realize is that I felt so mentally exhausted after that, and not exactly looking forward to further calls with said counterpart. Side tasks wise, I do have one big task which only just got started, so as usual when there’s pressure to perform I…procrastinate. Yikes. Some things never change. And I have been promised further responsibilities, which was said so often that I am a bit annoyed at their confidence in it, because I felt like I am being lulled into this sense of…I don’t quite know how to put it. I am not mad at being shouldered said responsibility (because that’s what I came for, if I were to be truthful about it) but why y’all think it’s a done deal when you don’t call the shots? Can very well be overturned mah. And if that does happens at this point I am gonna be so upset because y’all were so confident about it. Oh well. So one month on, at least the doubts haven’t set in, even if fatigue has started, energy levels not as high, and I find myself researching for hols hahah. Well good news is CNY is only just 4.5 months away, and my next hol is actually even nearer so there’s things to look forward to. |
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Back
posted : Friday, August 12, 2022
Two weeks since I’m back in SG (yes, I’m back).
Couple of differences from the last time - first of all, wasn’t super emo about it. The excitement of starting a new job (sort of) kind of overpowers any lingering sadness from the end of my holidays. It’s weird, I didn’t see that coming at all, but not that I am complaining. And didn’t feel like my path back home will be blocked by anything now that boundaries are mostly open so maybe that helps. And secondly, the expected heavy workload hasn’t quite happen yet. I think the team is mostly still getting used to the fact that they now have a DyM that they haven’t been approaching much, so that means I do have a bit free time on hand. And my first impression (though touchwood) is that they have kind of played up their workload and this area size is now at most two thirds of what I used to handle, minus the R*G portfolio to boot so let’s just hope this means good things, at least for a couple of months until higher appointment hopefully happens and I get shouldered with more stuff.
Although politics are more than what I remembered sheesh. Within the first hour I stepped into office I was already cornered by two separate groups who had been waiting for me to come back to complain to me about stuff.
But overall, this reinforced the idea that I took my break at the perfect timing. The fact that I was able to slowly ease my way back to work life this time round, that is. Contrast to last year when I went from 0 to 100 pretty quickly because there’s tonnnes of work waiting for me to come back to attend to, and I crashed within a week lol - I remembered breaking down while doing dishes of all things hahaha (yea I can laugh now). So far I still feel refreshed, mentally at least (coz I don’t think I have been getting as much sleep as I wanted). I think that was especially pronounced on my first few days back at work because the energy shone through and everyone commented on it lol. And enjoying finding different groups to catch up over lunch on different days, because everybody now has a different WFO schedule and we’d have to coordinate a bit. There is however a bit of 人事已非 feeling though, because many of those I am closer with has left and I do have to watch what I am speaking quite often. Oh well. It’s not going to be all rosy anyway. Just gotta embrace it. Let’s see if the next update is going to be as positive. Hahaha.
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Planning locally
posted : Saturday, July 09, 2022
Obligatory end of posting post.
Obligatory because…I don’t really feel much about it? Definitely didn’t feel super sentimental about it, nor, as I shared in the previous post, any sort of regrets or excitement. Hence this post only came about a whole week after the end of posting (and actually maybe it’s also because I didn’t have time to write anything coz I was preparing to go home, or that I was still clearing work all the way till the eve of my final day). Not sure if the indifference this time round was because of the fact that I spent only two years there, and like 95% of the time was spent at home. Towards the end we did get to go office and interact for a bit like, once a week. Which I find that they are obviously a cheerful and fun lot to be around with, so I guess there was that tinge of regret there. But not enough to make me, you know, go all out to write thank you cards and all like what I did the last time round, and not enough for me to get farewell gifts or anything (though I did get one clumsily organized farewell lunch hahah). So reflections! I set upon this posting hoping that I gain some insights into their work, because we have been working closely with them and it’s not a completely different field for me. So wanted to understand why some decisions were made, maybe steal a trade secret or two along the way hahah. In the end I guess I didn’t find out too many new things other than some processes which is helpful in some ways. Found that they also winged some things which we thought they knew lol. The other half of it is that I hoped to bring my experience over to help them make smarter decisions upfront, because we always maintained that operational concerns needed to be taken care upfront during planning and design stages. But I was disappointed to find that they weren’t super open to that most of the time, and I didn’t try super hard to convince them as a result. So I didn’t think I contributed too much on that front in the end, even though D (perhaps just for show) said they learnt a lot from me. It maybe didn’t help that I didn’t feel very motivated at all for the most part of these two years. Maybe it was the whole Covid and WFH problem, and I suffered from panic attacks from time to time over the smallest issues, sitting on cases that I can easily clear. Not proud of it. There was a time when I felt motivated and hopeful when D told me about her grand plans for me, which eventually didn’t happen because of circumstances like colleague resigning and she also blamed it on WFH, though I don’t think I bought it wholeheartedly but I didn’t want to delve further. I also started out by declaring that I would love to start from bottom up, but the “up” part never happened - I didn’t know if they alr had their mind set to begin with, or at any rate I just didn’t impress enough to warrant one. It would have been helpful to break into the upper ranks just so I can have a clearer understanding of why decisions from the top were made, but alas. On a similar note, it represented a big change in that instead of giving instructions, I now have to take instructions and execute. Which was pretty massive in that I was so used to giving instructions, sending out assessments on my own, and now I have to do the complete opposite. It really killed me to have the simplest emails vetted to that kind of detail, so I ended up not keeping them in the loop for simpler cases because I felt that it’s something I can decide on my own rather than wait for clearance (which can take days). Tested this approach and didn’t get told off, so I went ahead with it. Least I can do to salvage some efficiency. I did try to highlight that this whole email vetting approach wasn’t entirely necessary during my exit chat with DD (which started at 5.50pm on my final day, typical of her to not be able to set aside time in advance for such admin matters), but she didn’t seem to think it’s an issue and in fact doubled down on the necessity oh well. D on the other hand even pointed it as something she thought I needed to improve on when I asked for feedback on my performance (double sigh). Oh well. It’s good to be exposed to a different style of work and management I guess, and going back to working level reminded me of the hardships and it can only help me to not repeat those when I go back to a middle management role. It’s one positive I took away from this stint. That, and the fact that these two years have largely been a holiday of sorts in terms of intensity, which I had to adjust back when I return.
It’s weird that I sounded like I am looking forward to return though, considering everything that I’ll land myself in. The truth is I couldn’t wait for a change at the end of the two years (side note, someone did try to poach me but no thanks, I am not spending more time doing planning work as a working level planner, why would I?). I came to a conclusion that stepping out of comfort zone is not for everybody, and it’s perfectly ok to want to stay in it. That said, it is probably easier to say this while typing out this post on a vacation, so I may have to eat my words later but we shall see about that. In all, fruitful two years, despite everything. Grateful for the experience, despite everything. For now - my in-between-jobs break which I didn’t get to enjoy the last time round. Can’t think of a better place to do that!  One with the team! |
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The home stretch
posted : Sunday, June 05, 2022
Entering the home stretch, quite literally.
I think I started getting into this mood, actually, back in March, when colleague came back from maternity leave and she was the one designated to take over my duties after I am gone…and so I was told to start passing some work over. Kind of early, and actually at that point HR hadn’t even tabled my posting for approval? It almost felt like they can’t wait to get rid of me, or the positive thinking is that they knew they had no chance so they wanted to give a longer runway for transition. In hindsight, I think it’s because I told my boss back in Jan that my plan is still to return because that job scope is still what I prefer. So they respected that. It’s something that I don’t think I am regretting, but maybe there’s a psycho part of me that wanted them to fight each other for me hahaha. Kidding. Like I said, no regrets (at least not yet, since I haven’t returned), and events of the past couple months only seek to reinforce that. Honestly it’s a bit of dejavu from two years ago because I similarly spent the last two months back then whining and finding fault with everything, that help convinced me it’s time for a change. The only difference is that if I were to pen an article this time round about what I will miss, it would probably not be very long, because I genuinely don’t think I would be very happy to stay. I do get a feeling that I didn’t make full use of my stay though, and wondered if I should have been more proactive to ask for the exposure that was promised to me and subsequently sat on and forgotten (or on purpose). But it is what it is. Returning to a familiar post, but at the same time it would be a very diff landscape and from early indications, seems like I might have 自我感觉良好 because unless it’s a typo/error on HR’s part, it wasn’t the post I was expecting. May not be the worse thing on earth in that I theoretically can slowly accustom myself to the hustle again, but knowing them they are probably shortchanging me by expecting me to do more (in the name of testing me) yet not giving me the recognition - we shall see after I have my talk with them. So right now I am counting down every day. Not to the day when I return, but to the day I take my well deserved break, i.e. my trip back home (hence the “home” stretch). This feeling itself is similar to Jan 2021 when I was counting the days to my CNY break. The random sleepless nights worrying irrationally about my break not happening and all. Oh well. But mostly it’s looking forward to it. 25 days to go! |
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Annual work thoughts
posted : Friday, April 15, 2022
So a post at this time of the year usually is about work. Actually it usually comes up at around March but had been kinda busy.
First things first, scoring system changed from a numerical one to an alphabetical one this year. I don’t recall them announcing or sending any emails about it, so when boss texted (yes, that’s her style) about it I was stumped for a bit. And at that point boss was still in the midst of her two month post-op hospitalization leave and I didn’t want to disturb or bug her with questions about it (even if we know nothing about her condition and whether she is recuperating well or what not). And quite frankly, why did they still make her be the one that release the scores anyway? D could easily do this. Sheesh. This management style is still something I can’t quite figure out. Anyway, because I got the text while on my way out to buy lunch, I can only make an interim conclusion in my head on what the score meant under the old system while waiting to go home and dig out email archives on scoring system change. And that conclusion was something that I didn’t like very much, so I spent much of the lunch hour annoyed and forming various aggressive monologues in my head which made for a rather unenjoyable lunch. Went home, dug around a bit, found a FAQ in the intranet (they really didn’t send any announcements) and…basically I got angry over lunch for nothing HAHAHAHA. That said, and even though I said a long time ago that I will not expect any promotion this couple of years, it’s still tough to swallow. It’s my decision to venture out, and this is the price I had to pay. That doesn’t mean it hurts less especially when the list came out and you look at all those names, and realize you are now even further behind the pack when you really should be a front runner if you hadn’t left.
There’s also this bit about feeling, I don’t know, inadequate? That you have not made a good enough impression to warrant any special considerations, but, eh, it wasn’t what I was gunning for in the first place. Like, what am I expecting? I clearly didn’t give my all these two years. So I got over this part pretty quickly. And about that - with less than 3 months to go, we have arrived at another turning point. I think I really made up my mind about a year back, and recent events only validate that, but what a tough road I will have if I went ahead. Literally nobody thought it’s a good idea to go back seeing how things have changed there (except those who helmed the changes) and the recent exodus there only proves that. “I wouldn’t come back if I were you.” I don’t know if I am making excuses to defend my decision, but it really isn’t that straightforward? Because if I were to make an abrupt U-turn, there really isn’t any good excuse to mask the fact that I don’t want to endure this hardship. And it’s really not as if staying is the best option because I really don’t see a future here. The question, then, is do I want to burn bridges because of a potentially short term issue? Or set some conditions, tough it out, and be “rewarded” later? It’s a tough question to answer, and anyway I don’t think the answer still matters seeing how plans are already in motion. As I jokingly told some of them - if anything goes wrong eventually I’ll just flip table and go (even though I really don’t have any back up hahahah). But you better give me my long break before this man. If you take even this part away from me imma just walk away now.
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Annual review
posted : Sunday, April 04, 2021
The first quarter passed by in a flash, and suddenly it’s 9/24. I was still struggling massively with motivation at the end of December, mainly because of the lack of work. And when the work did come in January, firstly it’s hard to switch from zero to 100 all of a sudden, and my heart was already in Brunei by then. When I came back after taking almost the entire Feb off, March flew by because suddenly things piled up. So I almost had no time to overthink things, to countdown and think how many more months to go, and maybe that helps in work efficiency. Things are flowing now I think, though suddenly, I am not that looking forward to a return to office environment. Hahah maybe these two are somehow related, but the idea of having to interact and build up relationships with people is suddenly draining again. Nevertheless at this rate, I think I know what’s my path and what I will enjoy doing. Like, if I am not going to learn much out of this stint, there’s no point prolonging it. Open to surprises though. Scores came out couple of weeks back and I think there’s a mixture of surprise and disappointment this time round. Surprise, because I was fully prepared to be a sacrificial lamb but turned out not to be the case. Disappointed, because even though I was fully prepared I knew I deserved more. Like a promotion, which I feel is way overdue - I mean, come on, my batch mates have been at that grade for 2-3 years now.
So much for “doing things at my own pace and if I get recognized good for me” lol.
But at the end of the day I guess we still have to be grateful in these times? That a bonus is still part of the equation, and one that is not significantly reduced while at that. It’s just an awkward timing to do transition which I landed myself in, I guess. All in the name of a change and seeing things from other angles. I have now seen and I now understand that striking out of comfort zone is not for everybody. You really only learn from experience. Let’s see what happens next then.
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Excel
posted : Saturday, October 17, 2020
On course the past week - which was my longest ever course. But oddly (or not) it also felt like the week passed by in a blink and I found myself enjoying it, despite the amount of content and pre-recorded lectures and readings that I had to go through before each session. One big reason for it is the home based learning environment where I don’t have to give a hoot about lecturers in front of me and I can be in a very comfortable position (which was a major plus of WFH). I actually don’t even mind the fact that every single session overran and ate into our break times, or that there is now no free lunch/tea breaks that I usually look forward to whenever I attend courses. I like that I can roll my eyes and give OS-es on something lecturer/enthu course attendees said. Granted there are some sessions where facilitator will remind us to switch on cameras but I will switch off at the first opportunity just so I can go back to a more unsightly position. And maybe, just maybe, it also had something to do with my relative disdain for work (in general, not specifically the work I am doing now) that anything can be a welcomed change. Logged on to my email once a day, only to find that I wasn’t really needed at work. Like there’s an average of 30 emails received per day, including those mass emails so the number of emails that actually needed my attention..is not a lot. Could have just replied on the spot but I suppose I can save them for next week when I am back. Sigh mentality these days. Anyway, thoughts after one week course:
Oh, and the group project. The team leader...man. She came with a clear plan to she worm out of presenting and executed it perfectly so nobody really could say no. Kudos to her. And another member came without a plan but just flat out thick skinnedly refused to do it - like, “no, I cannot do it.” Kudos to him too. It’s lucky that the three of us ended up presenting well which I was very surprised, even more surprised to find it well received by the class who call our presentation heartening and facilitator who credited us for having the sight to tackle this issue. It’s an issue which I won’t say it’s close to my heart, but has bugged me enough that I maybe come across as passionate about it (which I am not, if I were I would have joined some NGO). But at the end I guess it’s just talk la, not like this presentation will kick start a revolution or something. So I am supposed to go back to work next week feeling more inspired but I think I will miss this week away. Who knew? |
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Bits and pieces
posted : Saturday, August 29, 2020
Just some updates, I guess. Work is...still uninspiring I guess. Actually to be honest I think it’s just a bad headspace which I planted myself in. Like there are many times I take one step back and look at things and conclude - this is no biggie. Well within my capabilities so I don’t know what I am whining about, and I would feel much better after that. But to constantly find myself having to remind myself about it is tiring, I guess. I wonder how much of it has to do with this whole COVID and WFH situation. Would it have been better if everything else was as per normal, i.e. working in office, getting to vacation once in a while? I think from a work perspective it might actually help - having that freedom to pop by boss’ office to check for quick directions/discussions, or quick checks with colleague on processes, even access to history/background. I say that specifically from an angle of a new hire/transfer, because it’s hard to learn when you are on your own most of the time. I definitely didn’t have issues WFH when I was back in my previous division, because I knew what I was doing most of the time. On WFH, also belatedly realize that one of the side effects of it is that your home becomes your office - and traditionally, after 5 days at work I just want to curl up at home after work and during weekends. So now that home becomes office, I should try to get away from office which means to head out at regular intervals! Change of environment, if that makes sense. Vacation and breaks - would it be better if I had my break before the transfer? Now I would never know for sure, but I guess not considering the issues I am facing. Would it have been better if I can have regular breaks? Frankly there’s nothing stopping me from doing that, it’s just that I just can’t help saving my leave for when I can use them - man I am so taking a long(er) break at home. So I am reluctant to use it for a break where I am still stuck in SG like any regular weekend which probably doesn’t help matters when it comes to relaxing and refreshing. Only helps because there will actually be something to look forward to. So that’s what I have been trying to do now - creating things to look forward to. It’s totally out of character for me to be initiating meet ups with people so that’s when you know things are bad hahah. Couple of weeks back initiated a catch up session with the Tiffin ppl and though organizing it is a pain but the catch up was great. Catching up with the BFF gang virtually, also initiated by moi. Planning to initiate a couple more next month. Staycations are all the rage now too and there’s no short of promotions, so that’s what I plan to line up in Oct - nothing too near to each other coz there are already things to look forward to in September such as the few days of half day leave I am taking - so Oct it is. There’s this awkwardness of doing it alone but I guess who cares. Question now is where, but also there’s a part of me that wonders if I should wait a bit and see if Brunei actually opens up so that I can go home and in that case I’ll just postpone staycation. I was really excited about the news of SG opening up to general travel to Brunei and NZ. Not so much about NZ because that wasn’t really on my travel radar. But Brunei - good job guys, this made perfect sense because the numbers there have stayed negligible for a while now. Out of the countries they could have chosen, they went for Brunei up first yay. Though we still need Brunei to reciprocate and I am praying really hard now - KH warned me to not get my hopes up too high but I couldn’t help it. This is the closest I have been to home in a while and with all the uncertainties, you never know if the borders will close again so better take any chance that comes up. What else is happening? For one, skin issues - well, got that under control. Last visit to doctor last month, progress was good enough that he agreed for me try stopping phototherapy. And I retained my oral medicine dosage, but reduced frequency of taking it. We shall see if there are any adverse impact - fingers crossed there’s none. Exercising regime is still ongoing though I think I am more likely to skip sessions once or twice a week now - I think weight wise I am where I want to be now (if I lose some more it wouldn’t look healthy already) and I am starting to progress towards strength training now. Aim is to be able to finally do a pull up (which, I discovered to my dismay few weeks ago, that I still can’t do one). There’s other things occupying my time too - life changing ones - that deserves a full post on its own, maybe when it is finalized. |
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First pages of chapter 2
posted : Sunday, July 12, 2020
One and a half weeks on...well, let’s just say, I didn’t expect to feel this way.
I mentioned a couple of posts ago, that I reached out to my new division soon after the confirmation email came. Ok, new D reached out first by sending a short welcome message, and I responded asking if I could meet with her, which she delegated down to DD. And DD basically said she will reach out to me the week after, when she has finalized area arrangements. On which I was mildly surprised because I had fully expected her to have at least given this some thought, since they had more than ample notice (throwback to the time when they thought I was coming in Jan instead of Jun). Couple of weeks went by, I reminded her and she came back telling me she need more time.
At this point I was a bit frustrated because it’s bad enough to have plans affected by the whole COVID and WFH fiasco, and now even this bit wasn’t going according to my plan. In fact, if you have been keeping track, this whole back and forth went on for 3 weeks plus and by then I was already on the last Friday before my transfer so I gave up and told her that I will speak to her on my first day instead. Was annoyed because I envisioned this as part of my moving on process, to be able to speak to D/DD, find out their expectations of me, convey my views (e.g. how I wouldn’t have been comfortable if they were to ask me to helm a team or sth, how they think I can contribute etc), maybe some informal bits even. But clearly nobody was interested, I guess.
So Day 1 came, had a short chat with DD where she spent more time running through some of the major developments in the area than the admin portion of it all. A few welcome emails from my now colleagues whom I had worked with in the past. Then sat in a couple of meetings. And that’s about it. As days go past I progressively have a few more emails where I am looped in and expected to reply, but overall very low intensity thus far. Not that I mean to compare.
Anyway, finding it extremely hard to move on. Doesn’t help that some of my new areas overlap with my old ones and I find myself making references to my past experience, but having to switch to a new mindset and look from the outside. The first couple of days and maybe even now it’s particularly hard to accustom myself because, physically, there has been no change in environment in that I am still sitting in my living room but the work I am doing is now supposed to be completely different. So I had a harder time getting into the mindset, something I wasn’t expecting.
I had also forgotten how it was to take charge of a new area. Completely unfamiliar with the geography and needless to say, traffic patterns.
The working style is also completely different. I had been very used to calling the shots so it’s weird to need someone to clear replies. And the shock of discovering that even the simplest of replies to a working counterpart requires that clearance, even for more senior staff in my team. No wonder their replies to us have been slow in the past, because boss has to prioritize too. It is frustrating to wait for replies to be cleared before being sent out, while others are chasing. God.
And perhaps most difficult of it all is the fact that I hated the unfamiliarity. I had been so used to knowing what to do with everything that came to me, and had forgotten how it feels to be clueless. I forgot how long it will take to be familiar with everything, and I miss those days already. I find myself wondering if I asked my predecessors too many questions or have I taken up too much of their time. The thing is, I saw this coming because just three months prior, I had a new staff joining my team who was in the exact same predicament, just that her case was worse because her previous role had nothing to do with roads at all and everything is alien to her, while at least I had worked closely with my current team in the past so I had a generic understanding of their work, just that I had to learn the details and processes. So I saw how she struggled and yet when it’s my turn, I find myself mentally unprepared for it. Perhaps I had overestimated myself, but perhaps I really should just remember that it’s still only the first week and it’s unrealistic to expect to pick up everything and fly with it.
So one week on, not feeling that I am contributing much when everybody else seemed swamped so I consoled myself with the thought to enjoy this honeymoon period as much as I can. Forgot that it even existed, guess I was too used to the intense environment I came from. Also nobody checking in on me most of the time to see how I am doing. Found a window of opportunity on the afternoon of polling day eve (because all my teammates were on duty which meant that rightfully nobody was bugging my DD with anything) so I went ahead and had a quick chat with her on the pretext of checking with her on some terms heh. I guess it did help in a way, so we’ll see how it goes.
But for now I can say I am not looking forward to work much. Back to the days when I look forward to weekend before weekday even starts sigh. You don’t know how excited I was about Polling Day PH. And how excited I was about my Anniversary Leave, and Hari Raya Haji PH at the end of the month. And National Day too. And FML after that there’s no more public holidays for a while and no trip back home either.
Part of the negative thoughts this past week and a half also led to me thinking of going back after two years hahaha but I guess that is just me speaking now.
Oh well. I can only steel myself and repeat the mantra that everything will get better with time, a reasonable time at that.
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Last page of chapter 1
posted : Saturday, July 04, 2020
Which clearly didn’t turn out like what I envisioned.
Idea was to go for a long vacation before the transition because it always does wonders in terms of resetting, particularly when it is solo. That didn’t happen, but in the spirit of taking a break I had a symbolic long weekend instead (yay). Though I did have to spend almost the entire Sunday doing up my thank you cards (because of phase 2 reopening I decided against buying online and only had time to go out to look for them during one of the workdays when I was clearing timeoff). Which meant I actually went back to office on Monday to distribute the cards (though it may be months before they get to read it, ok second guessing myself now). And also took some time to clear my cubicle a bit so that it’s easier when I shift eventually. But I guess I did have a good day out, good brunch and eventually at night, scheduled a catch up session with my DD. Made possible by the fact that we stayed within 400m of each other -.- so no real reason to turn it down. It’s kinda his thing to do this though from what I heard the few before me had came up with excuses and eventually it didn’t happen, but for me, it also represents part of my process for closure. And at the end I did enjoy the chat because I always find that I can relate to him in some ways (though I am sure I am not as blunt) and that made it easier to open up to him. But just before I slept that night I remembered that I had completely forgotten to draft my farewell email - had planned to do it in advance because I knew I wouldn’t have time on the final day and it will be a struggle to craft a decent one. So stayed up to do a couple and I think the emotions got to me so it was really tough to fall asleep too. The final day! The morning went by without the usual flurry of emails. That feeling of 无官一身轻 was so wonderful that I will remember it for a while and miss it. I was expecting to send out emails in the morning, and then knowing M was away in the afternoon I got everybody together for a zoom session just so I can take a group screenshot heh I don’t care if I am imposing on anybody by this point (original tradition was to take in office on that single seater sofa but oh well).  Team Cartoon Network And yeah, guess I haven’t left behind a deep enough impression to warrant any personal words from anybody. Oh well. Guess that surprise couple of weeks back was all. Not that I had time to dwell about it on that morning because the lunch buddies had organized a zoom farewell lunch and I spent the morning receiving one surprise delivery after another. And that really, to quote Jamus, warms the cockles of my heart. And thankful for making this day memorable. Would have had more time in the PM if not for the Fireside Chat with the biggest boss in the PM which is just about as awkward as it gets because, really, we were encouraged to speak up but only given a couple of minutes at the beginning to intro and the rest of the time there is literally no chance to butt in as he launched into his speech (he had a lot to cover and not enough time it seems so I think nobody really found any opportunity to jump in) so we were left to stare at the screen (it would be rude to look elsewhere isn’t it) for a good close to two hours. And if I were to be really honest I didn’t find it all inspiring except for a couple of anecdotes - the rest we all know, it’s just a matter of practicing it. Hung up then got into another planned call - this time with the D. Who was clueless about this being my final day unfortunately, so bit of a surprise to him when I initiated it. Which is more awkward then I thought it would be because maybe he was trying too hard to inject his experiences climbing up to where he is now, maybe hoping I will learn something out of it and follow his path. Which is good intention but I just don’t find it as relatable because those aren’t my goals. But at the end I did get to say what I planned to say, which is to thank him for taking a chance with me back when I was still quite junior, because it must not have been easy for him to persuade the bigger bosses to agree. And for entrusting me with projects especially the big one. Half an hour left on the clock, touched up the farewell emails and off it goes. And immediately elicit responses from emails and IMs because WFH probably meant gossip travels slower LOL and news didn’t get out as far as I thought. Which meant I stayed online till my VPN expired to reply to chats. Thought I owed them one coz they are the ones that bothered to check in with me. And there is still one last farewell letter to send to GD which also needed some brain juice to craft (not sure why I second guessed so much but he just have that aura). So the day finally ended proper when that last email was sent out. And got too emotionally spent by the end of it all (and also physically tired coz didn’t have enough sleep the night before) so cancelled my planned run. And simplified my mandatory social media posts. And just took some time to take it all in. And also regretting not taking another day of leave so that I have an entire long long weekend to recover. Something I will regret further the next morning, but that shall be another post.  Various goodies from the awesome Tiffin gang. Thank you for caring enough. LOL-ed at the pineapple though but it is one of my favorite fruits so yep good choice. |
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#lifeastrafficengineer
posted : Wednesday, July 01, 2020
Where do I even start.
In many ways this was a dream job of mine. It’s the best I could ask for from the moment I took up CVE, because being a structural or geotechnical engineer simply wasn’t an option. Those were the aspects of CVE I hated most (even though I consistently score well in geotech, and let’s just say I don’t know how I scored decent grades for struct modules). Transport was literally why I decided going to CVE was ok (that alongside the fact that I preferred NUS). Going through internship strengthened that resolve. It’s a pretty limited career choice in a way, because it’s a very specialized field and I don’t see how the technical experience I have gained here can apply elsewhere. I started out thinking I wanted to do road design, but my preference had shifted to traffic by the time I ended internship and so happens that traffic was one of the first few that came knocking on my door so I took it. And just like that, spent the first eight years of my career in it. This has been some ride. I loved the technical aspects of it. I loved problem solving, how small adjustments can lead to major impact (not so much on negative impact tho). Reviewing traffic plans are my favourite. Watching traffic plans translate to life, traffic schemes working as they should, is indescribable. Sure, I am not the one constructing the road per se but to be directly involved in it, gave me a lot of satisfaction. Being a stickler for details meant reviewing plans were never a chore. Touching virtually every aspect of road planning, design, construction and management, even rail projects that almost always involve road elements. Dealing with external consultants and agencies. I can go on and on. That said, it’s of course not completely rosy - my major pain point was dealing with complainants. There is no sugar coating this - you always try to put yourself in their shoes, but complainants will never bother to understand where you are coming from - customers are always right, they say. It’s this notion of treating them as “customers” that I had an issue with. Internal customers that mastered the art of taichi and will always want you involved (yet never listens to you) just so you can be a convenient scapegoat. And don’t get me started on political pressure applied, which meant that sometimes principles are not upheld (which is just a vicious cycle, really) and there are times we literally had to find excuses just so people get their way. Those are the most tiring battles, because you spend time and effort on something against your principles, and it’s just so easy to lose heart when it comes to that. There are multiple times throughout the eight years that I have considered letting this all go because I got tired of it all - but a combination of reminders of what I loved about the job, and miraculously each time round a big change happened led to the thought dissipating. The first one was when I got tasked to lead a team, and the second one was when I was put in charge of THE project. It never escaped me that how privileged I was to be put in a position to lead a team, a mere 2.5 years into the job. Going in I had a lot of doubts - biggest of which was my relative “juniority”. It doesn’t help that I concurrently have my own area to run, while shouldering the heavy responsibility of RTC all at the same time (maybe it does help in that I got too busy to have any negative thoughts). But the exposure to all other areas, new challenges including people management, proved to be enough to keep me going. I never really saw myself as a leader kind of person. My last experience leading any sort of team was PhoenixPress, which was pretty much a disaster (though the yearbook was published in the end, yay?) but I guess that’s because it didn’t quite mean much to anybody (really, what hall spirit?). But quite literally 天时地利人和 combined powers and there I go. It took a while for me to really be comfortable, making decisions, guiding based on what I know bosses are looking out for, and above everything, teaching them what I know. I settled down on the idea that I should focus more on coaching rather than leading, and the moment I decided on that I started really getting comfortable with the post and shutting out other thoughts. And to be very very honest - and I repeated myself quite a number of times - I am also blessed to have this team. No big egos (maybe some at the beginning but tamed down after a while) amongst the team, very stable team in that I almost had the exact same team for about 2-3 years, and no major dramas. I like to think that my instructions are usually sound and hence they listened. There are those who performed, those who improved over time, those who got too comfortable (and hence don’t complain). Team camaraderie was there, because that’s their character. Things went smoothly, much more than I imagine. I also never liked the whole appraisal responsibility of the role but it’s just something I had to roll with because, who else if not me? I thought I cannot let them down. Of course it’s not gonna end well for everybody, so it’s no surprise that it’s a thankless job. At the end, I almost felt like a teacher - few students appreciate a teacher’s effort after they left. And I got over it. A couple of years later after I got into a groove - somehow there are quite a number of work days when things were so effortless - those earlier thoughts resurfaced. But RAG came along and I got thrown into it - and you know what happens next. I may have ranted a lot but I have also looked back and realized how much I have done and how fruitful most workdays are. And I will always be very proud of it. Getting included into the program was something I didn’t see coming. I had no idea it existed, first of all (and apparently if I have been doing well over the past 6 years, why was I only included now?). And it goes back to the very fact that I still don’t see myself as leader material. Even now I still really hated how elitist the whole idea is. But I looked at the positive side of it - firstly, I made it clear that my preference is a specialist track rather than a management track. And I saw the benefit of being exposed to other aspects of the traffic cycle, and how often does an opportunity to transfer without getting at odds with the division you are leaving behind, come knocking? Very rare, actually. So amidst my hatred (and fear) of change, I took it up, even turning down a possibly tempting bargain along the way (I wasn’t at that point in life where the offer will become that tempting). Though I did ask for more time so that I can ensure that RAG is in a good state (exact words I used was that I have “unfinished business”) and succession plans are in motion. The former happened, much to my relief; the latter didn’t materialize despite my effort (and a fair bit of drama along the way in which my plans went awry), and it will remain as a personal regret. COVID and CB meant that plans got delayed for a bit, though not by much because it wasn’t a good excuse after a while. So that brings 8 years to a close. Have had a lot to think about over the past week as I reflect. Part of me thinks that maybe I am overthinking this and it really isn’t a big deal, changing jobs (essentially it’s a job change even though it’s internal). Some job hoppers go through it regularly like once a year. But I guess part of the sentimental feeling I have been getting throughout this week is because I genuinely loved parts of the job. It’s not as if I am parting on bad terms and can’t wait to go off. And the length (ok maybe this differs from person to person) meant a strong sense of attachment to them which I will probably find hard to shake off. As of now it’s still difficult to say if I will definitely be back (ironic because the reason why I agreed in the first place is to come back with more knowledge) because, a lot can happen in two years, work wise and personal life wise (I hope). But I know for sure I have learnt a lot from the last eight years and given the right opportunity, I would want to give back. There’s a bit to say about my last day on the job too, but I suppose I will leave it for another day and post. So tomorrow, a new chapter begins. I remember the same feeling of apprehension close to eight years ago, the night before I started this job. The unknown I stepped into then turned out well. And I hope it will happen again this time.  Thank you for the last 8 years. Labels: milestones, thoughts, work |
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Transitioning
posted : Monday, June 15, 2020
So...transitioning has begun in earnest.
If transitioning during normal days is complicated, it’s a lot worse with WFH. Transfer date was supposed to be 1 June, which is the last day of CB and the moment it was announced that CB will be extended (ok maybe not the exact moment because all I was thinking at the exact moment was BBT ahahahah) I knew there are serious logistical issues - not being able to go back to office to clear out my space being one though maybe there are workarounds so maybe it wasn’t the most critical thing. Not being able to be guided effectively over telecommuting is one, seeing how it’s working out with a new staff that recently joined my team. And on a more sentimental note, not being able to bid my colleagues farewell properly weighed heavily on my mind - and this is obviously not the way I imagined it will happen. So wrote to HR asking if there will be any changes or special arrangements given CB - which is a perfectly legit move, they did say that while recruitment is still ongoing, on boarding of new staff will be delayed unless absolutely necessary and I guess that included transfer cases. So I was only mildly surprised when after some checks, she told me that it will be postponed by a month and asked if my division will be ok with it - literally laughed and told her I am pretty sure my bosses would not mind (which big boss eventually told me he would gladly keep me till the end of the year if he had his way (why end of the year, I never found out) but that wouldn’t be the point of this exercise so yep). And meanwhile A who is to take over RAG from me was overjoyed lol. So that gave me another month to pretend that everything is as per normal although I was trying really hard not to lapse into a heck care mode. But I guess eventually with all the talks of “embracing the new normal” everybody came to realize that there is no point delaying it further so on the first week of June, when I wrote in again to check in with HR (seriously, I am the one doing all the chasing) they finally confirmed that it will proceed as planned. So 1st July it is, and I went ahead and commenced handing over mode. Well for RAG handing over mode has been happening for a while because of the scale, but at least the rest can start proper. Only problem is that for my team...there’s nobody to hand the reins to. At least not formally. Sigh. Meanwhile on the other side, I started an email to my would-be bosses (ok, they started it and I responded) and as it turns out they haven’t actually planned for my arrival, for instance they have not carved out an area for me yet which I thought was surprising because they have known about this for a while too. Then in the spirit of embracing the new normal (even though there are hopes of Phase 2 reopening happening before I go off), farewells got started. There was an immediate email from one of the bigger bosses following the announcement which I found awkward to respond to (because there’s still one whole month to go?) but replied anyway. Then I also called for a team meeting because in my mind it’s important for them to know work arrangements post-SY era which evolved into a online farewell session cum belated birthday thingy complete with surprise balloon and dessert delivery and speech (poor Jerms). Which caught me well by surprise because....20 days before! Goes without saying I appreciate the effort but I was not prepared for it even though it has been months since I knew of this (so maybe it just means I will never be prepared for it so maybe, might as well). So I guess this is it. The past week (or month, really) I was still handling work as usual, joining in meetings knowing full well that it really doesn’t concern me much, and maybe just a bitttt outspoken than usual with the reckless thought that I won’t face any consequences lol. But I expect to stop doing it by the end of this week (given that I also have a bit of time off to clear) and next week is just full on relax and writing goodbye emails. Depending on whether Phase 2 happens I may be able to nip out to get a couple of farewell/thank you gifts even, otherwise just have to settle for cards. 7 years, 11 months and 14 days. It won’t be easy to summarize and reflect, but will attempt that in the next post (though really, are you expecting less from me?) |
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Summing up the work year
posted : Sunday, March 22, 2020
Realized that I bucked the trend last year and didn’t talk about this last year but here I am again. Because I suppose it’s significant this year...in that it’s my last one with this group.
Sidetrack a bit, posting still seems surreal even though I am down to the last two and a half months here, because just how little I have been told about what’s going to happen next, from official sources at least. So even as I formally inform my team I am going, in my mind I don’t sound at all convinced. Anyway, my last talk with this group. Smallest group ever coz two left earlier this year which sort of caused a tsunami and I think now the aftershocks are coming in too -.- So of my team of 8 literally at the beginning of the year, 2 gone, 2 more entertaining thoughts, 1 likely moving up to take my spot. It’s a tsunami alright. It sucked because I kinda feel bad for leaving the team in this state and I want to do something to help but my powers are limited, and my time is limited. My boss went as far as telling me in my face that he will work with my M on issues regarding my successor and team issues in other words telling me that I will not have a say in it oh well. Anyway I think most got improved scores so which made my chat a bit easier, although there’s an elephant in the room at the beginning of each session which I made clear only at the end of each session. And to my absolute non-surprise everybody knew about it beforehand and is just waiting for me to confirm it. Ha ha. So that’s it. Winding down now and the handing over begins in earnest. To be honest I have felt this for a couple of months already - the thought of “who cares, I won’t have to deal with it again if it crops up” is so very tempting in decision making process, and I find myself having to push away that thought time and again. As for the RAG project I think I am leaving it in a good state to be honest. That’s one thing I feel good about leaving behind actually - everything is in motion and it can only be smoother from now on. My own score is..usual. To be honest, a bit disappointed even if it’s a good score because this is the only time I felt that I deserve even better, a promotion even because this is literally THE high profile project that defined our work plan and I dare you to find another person who dealt with this project the way I did. But no - and it probably won’t happen next year either because I am new to the posting and will probably be the sacrificial lamb - trust me, I have played this game and seen how it works, unless the rules are different there. To add salt to the wound COVID probably meant that I get even less than usual FML. COVID really messed up things - it’s not everyday that I am in between jobs and have the opportunity to take a break to reset before diving into a new challenge - but COVID meant that travels are not possible. Sigh. Went and cancelled my trip and I gotta tell you the feeling sucked. I probably won’t even get to go home in August. Eventually I’ll get around it, you know, looking at the bigger picture on COVID’s devastation in every aspect worldwide but just give me some time to sulk about it. So it’s a strange feeling actually. I am looking forward to giving up work here, the apprehensiveness is still there and COVID complicating things. We will see if things are any different two months from now then. |
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Posting
posted : Tuesday, November 12, 2019
You may remember some time back I talked about being posted out of my current role and division here. And I realized I never quite update anything on that since.
Well a career conversation talk happened with my boss following that post. During which he affirmed his support probably because I pledged to be back one day because this is my passion - and that’s true. I have always said that this was my dream job when I graduated and literally the reason why I tolerated Civil Engineering to begin with given how much I hated Physics (and structures, shudder). And quite honestly it’s about damn time I go out and see the world (maybe steal some trade secrets along the way) and come back to put that into good use. So I submitted the career planning form with my boss’s endorsement and...it went silent for about half a year. Which was kind of surprising because they did told us we will be updated on the results by April. Not that I had a lot of time to ponder about it anyway. In June or was it July I think, out of the blue I got another email asking if my choices had changed and I should go for another talk with my bosses to affirm their support. Which came at a correct timing because we had just undergone another re-org at that point and both my SM/DD got promoted to DD/D respectively, so I had to check in with my new DD. Who was genuinely supportive because that was exactly what he went through professionally, except that his venturing out was more extreme in a sense that he actually packed up his family and left the country, spent a number of years at a couple of locations overseas, before returning. Ok I don’t see myself doing that now but well...never say never. So anyway the D or my former DD wasn’t as supportive this time round because things happen within this half a year. People resign, and he found that he needed me or at least, he needed to be assured that I can be adequately replaced. To quote him, we are his pillars and when one pillar is gone, it needs to be replaced or the structure will collapse. Ok wow. And the conclusion is that I will relay back the message that while my D is supportive, he would like to have a word with them. Couple of months passed by again and when I didn’t hear anything I just assumed that my boss had betrayed me lol and blocked it. Not that I was completely not okay with staying, just that it would be disappointing if that was the manner of how it happened. Then out of the blue (again, because I don’t have the habit of regularly checking with them for updates, “them” being HR), got a email that outright confirmed my first choice posting and posting date. Okayyy. So that begins a 9 month countdown starting from September (I suspect that it was that long because my D negotiated for it, otherwise it would have been April or even October this year) which, frankly speaking, is a very advanced notice. Almost don’t feel any urgency to start handing over stuff because it’s so far in advance. Only thing is that I had to start to push through succession plans, which I do have been thinking about for some time. And once in a while there will be this bout of realizations like “oh, this is my last DnD with this bunch” or more recently, “oh this is my last Christmas with this bunch”. But to be honest it’s a good timeline because from my RAG project standpoint (which literally defines my work year this year, and probably last year too), it would have been a time when a lot of things are already in motion and it would be about management at that point in time. So good that I have at least laid the foundations before I go. Meanwhile, I have been trying really hard to not talk about it (exception here because nobody reads this, or so I thought) because like I said last year, which I still duno if it’s logical or not, there’s something about affecting morale of the team lol. But of course word spread. I wonder how HMMMM. I wonder if that talk I had with my new SM had anything to do with it huh? Even if I explicitly told her I didn’t intend to tell anybody and she agreed that I shouldn’t? Hmm? Then the next day someone else asked me who is gonna take over my RAG project because she heard from my SM hmm? *rolls eyes* And my ex-M (basically everybody above my level knows, not blaming them because it’s something they should discuss about), not one to keep secrets, had been letting out hints to random people sigh. So much for trying to keep it under the wraps. So does my destination division because they have talked about it at their end too, according to my sources lol. Crossing fingers and hoping that I don’t end up working under the specific D/DD I had issues with (at least on my end). Erm about 1 in 3 probability so fingers crossed. So next year will be interesting. Already planning for a holiday prior to that, somewhat like a holiday in between jobs lol to rejuvenate. Hoping for the best. |
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Career conversation
posted : Saturday, November 17, 2018
So in the midst of the self-declared busy state, something else cropped up.
Received this email out of the blue inviting me to attend a briefing, for a selected group of officers talent spotted for potential leadership roles in future. Which is kind of intriguing actually. If only I wasn’t feeling this shitty about the kind of work I have been producing of late.
Checked with my supervisor if she knew about this (in case she had a hand in me being nominated or something) and she said she didn’t - but thought it was a good opportunity for me. Yeah I know.
Duly went for the briefing, even had to skip the Walk the ground session for Lornie which I really wanted to gooo. Sigh.
So long story short, as part of this program (I hated how elitist it sounded) I was to be rotated to other divisions, preferably something that is of a different nature from what I am doing now. Have a career conversation with my boss, and submit a plan by 31 Dec. And probably be gone by April next year (I actually didn’t catch that part, kinda shows how reluctant I am).
It was a lot to process and I didn’t really want to process it (because I am busy, yay). But the occasional thought drifted into my mind and I knew it was a good chance to be exposed to other fields, and I always wanted to. It’s the perfect chance, to legitimately move around without consequences (because who are we kidding, nobody really views self-initiated rotations in a positive way). I don’t know about the timing though. On one hand, I kind of want to see through my project and on another hand, I have been complaining about work being stagnant for a while.
Coupled with the fact that I am never a huge fan of changes and usually have to be forced to make one. So yea, maybe this is the push I needed after all. Only thing is, I wished it didn’t come with this tag, because it means wherever I decided to go, a lot would be expected from me. It was a lot easier not knowing this - for instance, I never knew a lot was expected from me when I started work as people essentially viewed me as a “scholar” (god I can’t believe it has been 10 years and we are still talking about this) so i just got on with my work, doing what I think is right and apparently it impresses people. But it will probably be a lot harder to shake off this thought from now on.
I have never been one that strives to be in the limelight. I didn’t even think I was that good. I see all these ambitious people at the briefing, networking and what not, and all I was thinking of was how I wished I was walking the ground with the rest addressing real issues.
I have been very silent about this though, so far. Didn’t want to tell my staff, as if it will affect morale or something. Ha. ha. So only my supervisor knows, boss secretary knows (coz she is scheduling discussions), and a couple of others who are on this. Really thankful that one of the veterans of this came to talk to me about it on her own accord though, it does give me a bit more insight as I was really in a denial state during the briefing and didn’t absorb much.
Oh well. My conversation with boss is scheduled on Monday which is why I am even here writing this because I am hoping that as usual, writing will help me clear up jumbled thoughts in my mind as I prepare for it. Heck, I haven’t even filled up the damn form.
We shall see.
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Reminder to self
posted :
Another 3 months since my last post. Heh what’s new.
This post was originally titled “我很忙” - a nod to an A-Lin song I recently discovered - but did a bit of reflection just as I was beginning to write this post and I realized...am I really that busy as I thought? I think I have definitely been busier at work - those days where I stayed back till 9 or 10 multiple days a week come to mind. So no, I am not really at that stage now. Maybe it’s really all about perception.
So...yeah. What have I been up to.
September was spent at home, then entertaining couple of groups of ppl who came to visit including the sister who stayed for a week +, her longest yet. Then before I knew it, it’s October, which was almost spent exclusively on Lornie. The various discussions, drive throughs, and finally opening and monitoring.
Then there’s the rag project. At the rate I am progressing I am surprised I still have a job hahahah *nervous laugh*
So who am I kidding. I am here really to rant about it.
It should be really straight forward now that instruction has been given...but I am seeing so much red tape. So many details that is needed to secure funds for it. And what is killing me right now is the fact that I know full well that I could have dedicated more time and attention to it, and it would have moved that much faster. But instead, for some reason, when something else cropped up (like Lornie) I immediately decided to divert my attention towards it. Lost count of the number of days and weekends I brought my laptop home to try to work on it (or at least clear other work so that I can get to this when I am back in office), but ended up doing other things (such as trip planning).
Bottom line is, I could have focused on this more, but I didn’t. And the worst part is knowing and understanding all this, but not taking steps to correct it. Criticizing my staff for not prioritizing the right things, but doing so myself. Such a hypocrite.
Heck, even my boss brought this up to my supervisor during ranking and I had the decency to get annoyed about it sigh.
May this post be a reminder to myself then - that I should really buck up because right now, I am not liking this version of myself.
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Rag
posted : Friday, May 25, 2018
So I don’t think I can say much about what I am working on recently but at some point I need to rant a bit to keep myself sane.
I have an opinion about this policy - albeit a seemingly unpopular opinion, but one which most experts echoed, and a good fraction of people of logical minds chose not to voice out in order to not get attacked by brainless keyboard warrior netizens.
The thing is, I fully recognized that I don’t get to make the call. Public service has way too many layers and decision makers don’t often have the ground experience, or don’t often have the time nor humility to hear out those at working level. There are emotions involved in all of this. And of course there’s politics involved which makes things worse 101% of the time.
I don’t make the call. I execute. It is not what I recommended, but I recognize that I gotta carry it out, and I was fully prepared to.
But this is when the layers in between started making things tricky. Imagine level 1 is the highest decision making authority and I am at level 10 now. Levels 2-9 all have varying levels of support and ideas about the decision. Some are fully supportive and damn gung ho about it. Some are cautious. Some are against it and want to openly push for a more conservative approach. Some are against it and want to subtly push for a more conservative approach. Some want to please both sides. Some have a different agenda altogether. And I am reporting to all of them.
Guess who is the one runnnig around preparing updates to each level and platform, each time coming back with a different view and direction? Last week was a hell week rushing for one update but I was feeling optimistic about it coz the project is moving. I end this week getting confused about the whole thing. How to not be fed up, I ask you?
I got fed up some time this week and stopped acting on it, and chose to wait for further clearer instructions before I pass it down to levels 11 and beyond. Because what’s the point? This whole thing is so volatile now, whether it was meant to be or not.
Luckily this is not my first day in public service so I think I can still manage this, as irritating as it may be. Just that I probably need more weekends and public holidays and maybe getaways to help me through this so I am actively planning for one now heh.
We’ll see how it goes next week.
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Yet another year
posted : Saturday, March 10, 2018
Or more specific, yet another work year.
(At this point, looked back at my last post and went, wow, that was negative. Guess the CNY break had a real recharging effect, more than I imagined.)
So this post was of course triggered by release of appraisal scores, which came out a bit earlier than expected this year. Typically we would be deep in the middle of March but this year we are still in single digits. So I was actually caught unprepared for my annual chat hahah. Thought about giving it another weekend before releasing it but didn’t want to be bogged down by the burden over the weekend so very gung-ho-ly arranged for it the next day. Much to the dismay of some of them who didn’t particularly enjoy it. I know, I know. But if there’s something I insist on, this is one of it. To reflect, summarize, and kick start the next push.
Third year I am doing this formally and I gotta say, though this was my least prepared year I think it went the best. For one, I didn’t have to deal with surprises, everybody got what we recommended and IMO deservedly so. One of them even better than what we recommended so no complains there (he/she actually complained about getting a better score than he/she deserve but hey, who won’t take it?). Also spent some time sharing in advance changes that are coming up with those who have yet to hear it and reassuring them that they should not have difficulties adjusting to a new managerial style because, well, new M is our former DyM and we have similar styles. For the most part, kept to my 20 minute per person limit, exceeded for some who needed more work but compensated from some who are consistently performing and I don’t have much to pick on.
What about myself, you ask? That’s also the question I ask last when I went through this with my own M, because to be very honest, I have never paid too much attention on it myself. Unsurprisingly there’s a dip, my first after I think 4 years. Getting promoted last year and being ranked amongst the more senior and experienced people meant I rather automatically lose out, and I’ll be the first to admit that I really hadn’t stood out last year. It’s my principle to focus on the work and not the theatrics, standing out at strategic timings (may sound a bit hypocritical because I do try to plan for it when it comes to my team, just to give them that extra push to ensure that they don’t lose out unfairly to others). I really don’t mind that much. Being recognized is just a bonus.
So yep. That concludes another work year, and finally the changes that we have been hearing of for the last two years are finally happening so I suppose we can expect an eventful year ahead. I am not sure if I will be tasked to take up more than what I am doing now, what I do know for sure is that one of the project I have been handling will be a big topic this year and I can expect lots of briefings, presentations on it. The ministry officer put it best - we can only prepare the best we can and at the end of the day, it’s a political decision. We shall see.
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Sunday musings
posted : Sunday, January 28, 2018
Not quite sure how to put my feelings into words, but have been feeling very uninspired at work lately.
I started having this thoughts almost 3 years ago. At that time I was considering changing jobs at the end of my three year contract - because I was getting tired of what I was doing at that time. Contract ending sound like a good excuse to leave.
Then the promotion happened and I remember being so busy with everything, trying to settle down to a new groove that the thought left me completely.
Now that I am on a plateau once again...the thought had re-entered my mind. Coincidentally I’m approaching the end of another 3 year cycle even though that didn’t really mattered anymore now that everybody is a permanent staff rather than contract staff. But similarly, I have grown weary of the role I am holding and perhaps, the fact that we are never going to progress much under the current political system is bothering me more and more.
I mean, it’s ridiculous that people who have no expertise in certain things can decide planning and operations directions because they so-called speak for the people.
Policies and principles can be bent if you shout louder and go to the correct people. Perhaps I don’t really want to be involved in this process anymore.
Though I am really thankful my team, for the most part, have been fantastic and there has not been drama. Makes championing for their welfare so much more, worth it?
Staying in this industry is pretty much the only option I am open to though. That means probably looking for scope of works that does not involve such engagement process. But safe to say until I can find an option like this, I will not be moving from what I am doing. For practical reasons, considering other goals I have in mind. I may not enjoy certain aspects of it anymore, but I am still decent at it.
However tempting it may be to just drop everything and go. I am looking at a couple of recent examples like this, and more than a couple of times my mind is like “let’s throw in a letter today” when waking up for work.
We’ll see. Maybe someone may surprise me one day and present me with a whole new challenge, to make this job meaningful again.
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