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Not the best month
posted : Saturday, March 23, 2024
To say this month has been eventful is a bit of an understatement, I think. Even if it’s just two events that has been occupying my mind almost daily.
First there’s that urgent/impromptu trip up to KL to support a friend in need. I still am not sure how to put this down in words because…I still don’t quite understand what happened? All I know is that I needed to be there to make sure she is okay, because at some point during the week I feared that we had lost her forever. Distance apart and the fact that her family is scrambling to attend to it (and thus don’t have time for us) meant that news were trickling in and we had to try to find other news sources, piece together what happened, and desperation grew. In the end she’s fine, came to terms with her loss, and seems eager to move on. But I’ll never forget that surreal feeling of fearing for a close one’s life (even though as we found out later, she was never actually in any danger). Then came back from KL right into work appraisal session, on the same day. Teams are fine, almost everybody took their news rationally (some admittedly good news, so I don’t see why they should complain) and the one that didn’t, I thought I dealt with it fine. Maybe playing the pity card worked, which brings me to the next point of why I even had a pity card to begin with. I have been saying for years that I put my team(s) up front and I didn’t mind my own score, so long that I am satisfied with what I have done. I have been chanting the mantra that it’s totally fine if bosses don’t see it, so long I have done what is right. That tune has been growing weaker with each passing year and this year I completely lost it. To be fair, it was a good score. It couldn’t have been better, actually. But the focus was all wrong. I would so gladly trade the score for a grade promotion, because I very clearly felt that I belonged there. All the work I have done this year is of that level. My peers have been there for years. Within my division I have been overtaken even. But while HR’s goal posts shifted, boss’ ones haven’t. To be told that I have done nothing wrong and even excelled (and hence deserved that score), but am just not old enough - quite literally - was such a bitter and discouraging blow. I sort of saw this coming to be honest (re my post last year), but being through the year I had got my hopes up and so the blow ended up to be pretty heavy. And I felt like everybody saw my bruises. I am now supposed to build up my profile for a potential chance next year. Was that not what I have been doing? To make things worse, HR shifted goal posts for my juniors too so right now, I am expected to do more than them while sharing the same grade/title, while having the extra task of “building up my profile” as if doing more than them is not an automatic ticket. This is the shortest possible end of a stick. I was running through so many different scenarios in my head since last week and most of them involve leaving this all behind, and moving on, elsewhere. I had to dig really deep to remind myself of my cause, just to get through the week. Friday morning I basically sat and stare at my laptop screen for an hour just watching the email numbers go up and wondering why I do this. I don’t always see eye to eye with my boss(es) on issues and that’s professional and fine, but I felt like this obsession on age maturity crossed a personal line - even if it doesn’t happen to me, it’s gonna happen on someone else and possibly in my team, and I felt like I won’t be able to deal with it again.
Second week after the news was a bit better, but I haven’t shaken off those thoughts and looks like I will be on the lookout. Who knew? Though it’s also equally possible that I distract myself with life and procrastinate on this front. Hahaha.
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Rag
posted : Friday, May 25, 2018
So I don’t think I can say much about what I am working on recently but at some point I need to rant a bit to keep myself sane.
I have an opinion about this policy - albeit a seemingly unpopular opinion, but one which most experts echoed, and a good fraction of people of logical minds chose not to voice out in order to not get attacked by brainless keyboard warrior netizens.
The thing is, I fully recognized that I don’t get to make the call. Public service has way too many layers and decision makers don’t often have the ground experience, or don’t often have the time nor humility to hear out those at working level. There are emotions involved in all of this. And of course there’s politics involved which makes things worse 101% of the time.
I don’t make the call. I execute. It is not what I recommended, but I recognize that I gotta carry it out, and I was fully prepared to.
But this is when the layers in between started making things tricky. Imagine level 1 is the highest decision making authority and I am at level 10 now. Levels 2-9 all have varying levels of support and ideas about the decision. Some are fully supportive and damn gung ho about it. Some are cautious. Some are against it and want to openly push for a more conservative approach. Some are against it and want to subtly push for a more conservative approach. Some want to please both sides. Some have a different agenda altogether. And I am reporting to all of them.
Guess who is the one runnnig around preparing updates to each level and platform, each time coming back with a different view and direction? Last week was a hell week rushing for one update but I was feeling optimistic about it coz the project is moving. I end this week getting confused about the whole thing. How to not be fed up, I ask you?
I got fed up some time this week and stopped acting on it, and chose to wait for further clearer instructions before I pass it down to levels 11 and beyond. Because what’s the point? This whole thing is so volatile now, whether it was meant to be or not.
Luckily this is not my first day in public service so I think I can still manage this, as irritating as it may be. Just that I probably need more weekends and public holidays and maybe getaways to help me through this so I am actively planning for one now heh.
We’ll see how it goes next week.
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Haircut
posted : Saturday, October 17, 2015
No the post isn't about a new hairstyle. Nor am I intending to have a new one anytime soon.
These days (okay, for the past 6 years or so), idea of going for haircut had been inducing some sort of anxiety in me. Not so much in the uni years coz the hairdresser I frequent during that time knows of my condition and how I am not keen to talk about it, so she seldom asks questions. Since I moved to Toa Payoh, I have been frequenting one of these chain hairdressing salons coz they are cheap - never quite understand why people would pay hundreds for a simple haircut. They have a team of hairdressers and I don't think I remember getting the same one - ever. Which means I had to repeat my story every time, sometimes injecting in some variations coz I am bored.
Had one bad experience with them about two years back so I switched branch. On that particular occasion this PRC auntie who was cutting my hair wasn't shy about showing her disgust at my scalp condition and did a half-assed job trying to get away from me as soon as possible...so I switched to another branch. And had no other issues until today.
This young lady was assigned to cut my hair. About 2 minutes after she started, she started asking if I washed my hair regularly, and doubted when I told her I did so everyday.
"With SHAMPOO??"
"Yes."
Silent disbelief.
Then she started asking if I have seen any doctors. So I repeated my story.
When she started questioning if the doctor had examined my scalp properly. Coz she said she was pretty sure he didn't treat it correctly.
I started explaining that this was not just a scalp issue, then I paused and decided not to. Coz it's apparent that she thinks too highly of herself and won't listen, so I waved and say, okay, nvm, I would prefer not to talk about it today.
And she didn't let go. She started rambling about how she is unable to wash my hair later (I asked for haircut and washing coz I am heading out after this), and she wouldn't have started cutting my hair had she known that my scalp was in such condition coz she would have to STERILISE her tools later.
"This is NOT an infectious condition." I interjected.
"Of course it is!"
"Fine, if you are that worried, you may stop now and get someone else to take over."
"Ok sure"
And she stormed off as if I AM THE ONE THAT OFFENDED HER by subjecting her to such risky work.
Pissed beyond words and I have no idea how I managed to have a civilized conversation with her colleague who took over. Coz in my mind I had made up countless sarcastic comments and how I would screw the bitch over, publicly shame her, or formal complaint to her management etc.
Maybe it's just because I have way higher EQ than the bitch. And I just needed an outlet to cool down by talking about it so I told her colleague who gently suggested that there are some people who are just more paranoid about it and asked if I would consider just washing my hair clean before I came over next time. I agreed even though I don't see how that helps (seeing that I did wash my hair before I came over, just without shampoo) but just give her face lah.
From the corner of my eye I saw the bitch washing her tools and blow drying it damn her.
As her colleague was washing my hair I told her I had never had issues with any of her colleagues and this bitch was just too damn arrogant. Really she thinks too highly of herself. Like I am not a worthy customer of her dainty gold plated fingers. I told her I am used to questions but not in this manner, seeing that my condition didn't just crop up recently and it used to be much worse.
Really it's as if she thought I am out to pollute the world or something. Trust me if I knew or if I could cut my own hair I would. You think it's very fun to answer those questions isit. You think I am enjoying having such condition isit.
At the end when I was paying the cashier deducted the wrong amount (she thought I only had a haircut) I am still honest enough to tell her deduct more. Partly coz I want to finish up my credit ASAP heh.
But I suppose the positive takeaway from this is that I managed to control and didn't explode further. Have came a long way. Nor am I gonna dwell about it. Once this post is up, shall not think about it further for the rest of the day.
*End of rant*
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CNY!!
posted : Saturday, February 12, 2011
It's kind of late but still...there is one week left to CNY celebrations so I guess its not too late for this.
 Okay so this year's CNY is probably the most uneventful ever for me. Other than the fact that I get to spend some time with family..and despite seeing CNY related stuff everywhere...I totally am not in the CNY mood. I didn't particularly feel excited about it at all. Honestly the first day of CNY felt like any other day for me. What's wrong with me sigh. I don't know if I get the break i wanted over CNY, but all I know is I came back feeling just as restless as before CNY and it kind of depresses me that the next time I can go home is in August. To make things worse Phoenix and IHG continues to haunt me during CNY period. Rushed 4 articles from Sunday to Wednesday because nobody wants to do extra work (slap myself for giving them a quota in the first place) and some didnt even finish their quota. Whatever. It is ending soon and maybe I should celebrate it despite my recess week being filled to brim already. Something other than shopping (I had more than enough of those, at least for now) to cheer me up. That emo and restless feeling even spill over to studies..I am annoyed at the lecturing incompetence of the TE lecturer (okay he is new but even that is not an excuse for not preparing well before coming in for lecture. Getting confused multiple times in front of the class is not cool.), annoyed when some other person in TE lecture stopped the already confused lecturer to ask a question and the answer is plainly obvious (seriously I was rolling my eyes so much in the lecture - not that i am arrogant or anything, but all these are undergrad year 2 materials and I have only learn one new aspect in 5 weeks of lecture), annoyed when my SSD tutor is plainly trying to waste time in class by reading out slowly an article on how to read critically (he even read out the punctuations for goodness sake) before finally declaring brightly "oh, we still have 7 minutes, let's start a discussion on this week's readings!" (the discussion was supposed to be the highlight of the tut). Epic fail. Failed to get a group for TE project (which looks kind of intimidating) except a random guy sitting next to me..went to ask the lecturer, and he said most likely we will be grouped with those who didnt come for lecture. Unless I can convince him to just let me join one of the existing groups...I foresee problems for the project..because if these people dont even bother coming for lecture, what are the odds of them being responsible to do their parts in the project? Not to mention the STUPID SKIN PROBLEM I HAVE. Stop using cream for a few days and everything is back. Arghh enough said. On top of that...no lunch kakis for the entire week and only having one (maximum two) dinner buddy for the entire week...sigh. And the usual feeling of being excluded (for several things). Lousy socializing skills. Gah I am done complaining. I think. Sorry if you expect to read about some fun CNY experiences. These are my CNY highlights so far and I sincerely hope next year's will be a better one. 为什么那么执著? 为什么就是放不开? 寂寞寂寞就好...屁啦。 别人我还了解..毕竟跟他们还没有到很要好的地步...连你也接二连三放我飞机... 几个人一起聊天，每次我一加入你们没有两下子就意兴阑珊..是巧合吗 Labels: family, NUS, Raffles Hall, rants |
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New semester!
posted : Saturday, January 15, 2011
Ok I purposely wait for the end of the week before posting so that I can write about my first impressions of the modules I am taking this semester.
Certainly didnt seem like a little more than one week since I came back. Missing my holidays already :( Although I didnt really have time to emo about it. Unpacked and settling down, and shopping for necessities while being obsessed about buying stuff that can be stored in my borrowed fridge :P. "Supervised" tech juniors supporting an external performance by Band and Unplugged the day after I came back at Orchid Country Club. I wonder how much they get paid, as they are supposed to perform to entertain the crowd waiting to enter the ballroom for some company's annual dinner, and since the company staff all dressed up for the occasion, they were busy snapping photos and mingling around and practically nobody but us paid attention to the performances. =.= Not to mention lots of article editing in between and chasing after people for articles. Ok save that for the next part. Anyway hols ended. I listed down 6 things I wanted to do during hols and guess what? I didnt complete all of them. No surprise. Only 2.5 out of 6, that isn't even the passing score sigh. Much time spent on rotting and being family driver. Oh and giving my mum face by trying "a few" remedies she suggested for my u-noe-wat problem, which includes drinking extremely bitter TCM. Got depressed every time I see the bowl of black medicine urgh and seriously had to resist the strong temptation of emptying the whole bowl somewhere other than my tummy each time. Urgh urgh urgh. And it didnt seem like it worked anyway. Back to hall. It feels same but different at the same time. Dinner gang reduced to only 4 or 5 persons each night due to internships and SEP (sigh). IHG Season and there are lots of work. I can totally bitch whole day about it. Schedule changes and so on are expected, and I always know my members needed a bit of pushing to get work done, but I certainly didnt expect it to be this bad. I admit I screwed up by underestimating the articles that each person needs to cover (like, serious underestimation). They have to make things worse by cleverly choosing matches which they feel won't take place (like finals of some random sport which we dont have much chance in) so that they can somehow sneak away unnoticed. One of them actually had the nerve to make up score lines and skive off in the middle of a match. Another one practically went MIA in the middle of a match right under my nose. *pukes blood* It's a long shot but I am gonna survive this. Back to school. Starting my 6th semester and in an attempt to make my final year life a bit more comfortable I chose to do 6 modules again. 3 core modules, 1 technical elective, clearing Singapore Studies (finally) and completing another Forensic module (though I really don't think I will continue on with the minor, not taking those Life Science and Chem modules anyway). Had to endure a little bit of drama before getting all six of them. Here goes: CE3115 - Geotechnical Engineering. Last soil module I am going to take. Don't exactly enjoy these series of lectures, I mean I don't really find the contents interesting, but I still end up doing pretty ok for the first two and hopefully this one too. Prof is kind of nice, as he is from Hong Kong he had that funny accent which kind of keeps me focused on what he is saying although content seemed dry as usual. Deals with slopes and retaining structures. CE3155 - Structural Analysis. My nightmare module. Nuff said. Prof is horribly boring. And we have to see him four times a week (for the first half of the semester) because he also lectures..... CE3165 - Structural Concrete Design. Probably a bad dream instead of a nightmare, somewhat like 3166 last sem. I think I will be really happy if I can manage B+s for these two. Eeps. Feeling bad about a module so early in a semester usually don't end up well for me. :( CE5806 - Construction Project and Site Control. Advanced version of 2183 from last year. First out of the four higher technical elective module I am/will be taking, and being a graduate module the lecture takes place at night to accommodate for those graduate students who are working during daytime. Can see people rushing down to class in their working clothes, and even a few middle-aged men and women in the class whom I initially thought are TAs. Gosh. And there are only a handful of final year undergrads, and I am the only third year student in the class. Kind of intimidating. Lecture material is rather interesting to me (after all, that's why I chose it in the first place). First lecture however was kind of messed up because a writer stood me up last minute (well, there is some kind of miscommunication btw her and my vice, but it still means I am lacking a writer for the tennis girls historic final match) and I had to sms here and there during lecture and the lecturer obviously saw me. And I couldnt pay attention at all. Good thing is that it is only introductory lecture about the importance of planning and stuff. A second lecturer, who just got his PhD took over for the first three weeks and he is horrible, kept going on about the work he did while getting his PhD and a certain computer programme which he thought was useful. =.= I find it encouraging, however, when lecture ends and some graduate students chatting with each other went "chim eh, I duno what he is talking about". Lol yay. CM3301 - Advanced Forensic Science. Lecturer is forensic scientist from HSA, and we are supposed to learn about stuff like glass properties, drugs, toxicology, fibre evidence and so on. The science behind these as opposed to evidence collection procedures and law in SP3202 last year. Once again, interesting material but boring lecturer. Lecture is webcasted because a number of people couldnt make it for the lecture and they are graduating so they need to clear the module, hence the number of people attending the lecture is kind of sad. They might lose me soon too haha. SSD2213 - Singapore Urban History and Architecture. First lecture was about the history of Kent Ridge area where we are at and it is really interesting to me! Lots of pictures in the lecture slides and I enjoyed the lecture and the lecturer too to a certain extent. Guess its because of the material. Though the work to be done seemed horrifying. :S Chose the module not just because I find the synopsis interesting, but I was trying to avoid doing an artsy SS module and I think this may be worse now. Essays about Singapore's architecture and history in a class where 75% of the students are from Architecture. Doomed. Who cares I reserved an S/U option for my SS long long time ago haha. Okay long long blog post. Better stop now. Tata~ Labels: NUS, Raffles Hall, rants, skin |
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Dear Psoriasis,
posted : Wednesday, December 29, 2010
You have brought about nothing but depression and arguments into my life.
I try to act as if you are not around, but I simply can't. You are not welcomed. So why don't you just f***ing get the hell out of my life. |
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Mood swings
posted : Thursday, April 15, 2010
Duno why but mood seemed to swing from one extreme to another within a short period of time. Just tonight alone it switched a few time. I can get pissed off over small things and sometimes nothing in particular and the next moment something will cheer me up until u can see a big grin on my face.
And no, I refuse to attribute that to exam stress. Because however lagging I am, I actually found time to slack. To watch some youtube vids, To play handphone games. To attend block supper and meetings. How can u call that stressful? Desensitized by this thing that happens once every semester. It matters, of course. But why can I actually shove it aside? Why can I allow myself over-relax when I have been doing that for most part of the sem? I don't understand. I don't think anybody does. Looks like there is only one thing I can do and I am not even sure if I can bring myself to do it. Don't bother me. This is a weird post. |
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Two more weeks
posted : Monday, April 12, 2010
First paper up on next next Saturday...forensics and there is quite a bit to study on! Luckily its open book. Would die remembering who is involved in which case and some general details. Still, must prep a cheat sheet to help. Heh.
Speaking of which, did moots exam on Friday and I cant say it went very well, given that I really started preparing for it on 2.30am on Friday itself. My partner/opponent started around the same time too but came up with a much comprehensive question list. Had to go in office wear, then when we entered the LT we were given gowns to wear too. Woah. 15 minutes seemed to pass by fast enough and lecturer/judge din reli gave me warning. Oops. And lecturer/witness was, sigh, a bit out of script (or was it I dun rmb the scenario well enough) so I got thrown off at points, my questions lose focus and I have a valid point which I din have a chance to ask. Well I prolly wont get much out of that point anyway. Sigh. Kind of stressed out a bit while doing it hence all sorts of broken English came out. Lecturer commented sth to me while I was making my way out but din reli catch wat she say...a bit depressed at the time. Anyway senior batch appeared to watch us and left after me and my partner's exam (we are the second pair)...so means we are boring to watch? Haha Not sure...but that is another 20% down...last 60% to chiong.... Was quite disappointed with myself after ESE test...to be honest I didnt really make an effort to prepare for it. And its a closed-book quiz. Have no probs with the calculations part but I literally gave up on the other 3 questions, coz I simply could not rmb the points. To begin with substantial amounts of my lecture slides are not filled with notes coz i was either stoning or fell asleep in lect, and I didnt borrow anyone's notes copy after my recordings let me down. Cooked up sth for one qn but sort of gave up for the other two. Catch up during finals? Still have 50% to go... It sucks when I can feel disappointed with myself but after a while I manage to put it aside and slacked again. Like last night when I spent a relatively productively day in the lib only to waste the night away. And today. Even though I know I will be out for tech chairperson treat but still managed to waste away quite a bit of time. Only consolation was managed to get some Phoenix work done and managed to attempt module mapping a bit. But things are looking rough if I were to go for SEP (in Monash, that is). I will still be able to do forensic minor and SEP but I am inviting trouble for myself. My moots partner thought I am admirable for even trying out for the minor because of all the extra mods I need to take up...wonder what he thinks if he found out I am about to try for SEP at the same time. Need to be Superman in my next few semesters to achieve that - am I capable? I do not know. Two more weeks...will be unprepared for sure..as usual..but I really want to push it beyond 4.0....given that I am quite close to it now...hopefully that works as motivation... |
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Dislikes
posted : Tuesday, March 09, 2010
1) One of the modules I am taking this semester. Has a quiz last Thursday but only started preparing for it on Monday. Went for a lab session on Tuesday. The rest of the week is mainly dedicated to it. Only started on its mini-project half a week before the due date when question was given a month ago. Spent almost the whole weekend on the mini-project and coz of Phoenix Fest only manage to start on the graded assignment this morning when it was due at 5pm, with classes in between some more. Tutorial today absolutely made no sense to me and there is another graded assignment due next Monday, not to mention the lab report due on Tuesday...I was so overwhelmed by all these that I almost skipped its lecture today. OVERDOSE, seriously. And its not the "fun-nest" module to take being absolutely dry. Sigh. Past experiences have told me if I hate a module a lot I will end up doing badly in it and so far it is 2 lousy grades out of 2 hated module. Will this be an exception?
(Okay this paragraph is just for me to rant about the stupid module.) 2) Changes. Especially when they are last minute. Or when a simple thing becomes complicated, or a regular practice that has worked well is changed resulting in more complications and not necessarily any form of benefits or appreciation. Call me unambitious but I really don't see much point. 3) Playing "pass the message" when the person whom the message is supposed to be relayed to is just right in front of you. The only message i will be taking away is a simple one - that my status is not even a "hi and bye" kind anymore. Its to an extent that you don't think I deserve to listen to you anymore. And so be it. Believe me there are lots more but these are the few which I have experienced quite recently. And now back to my normal programming.... 2 submissions today done. 2 submissions on Wednesday done. 2 more quizzes this week untouched. *Gasp* Forensic classes resumed its dry, law section last Friday and I must say I am definitely not very confident in this segment. Oh I think I never mention but there is another mode of examination in this module...moots. Drawn our "opponents" last week and I think mine is kind of tough hahaha. Moots are when we pair up with another person and will play the prosecutor and defense counsel respectively...and then argue about the reliability, admissibility, relevance etc of the evidence that will be presented on a mock court. Sounds cool but unfortunately law was never my thing and sad to say only law segments are left in the module. The fun (practical) part has ended. To end last week's lecture I received extra homework because I skipped one lecture because of CNY...sad that it has to come this weekend when I was ultra-busy. =.= CCA points are out...since everybody is talking about it I might as well say something too...it would appear that they reflect the amount of work i put in this year, except for one which I thought I deserve less. Well, from my point of view anyway. I suppose I wont be in last year's situation again....well I would say I definitely dont deserve to be in that situation again...I never deserved to be. K..off to bed. Labels: forensics, NUS, Raffles Hall, rants |
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Busy days ahead.
posted : Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Kind of surprising because after I planned out my schedule for the next two weeks, the main reason that I will be freaking busy for the next two weeks is not because I am taking six modules. There is this Environmental module I am taking this sem that is taking up majority of my time for the next two weeks. Lab reports, projects, quiz and assignment. All due in this two weeks. Oh I am so gonna get an overdose of wastewater and what not. =.=
Anyway, CNY came and went...didn't go back to Malacca, in fact for the first time I spent CNY back at home! As in my home, not my grandmother's back in Malacca (Haha call me a pengkhianat negara but I never really consider Malaysia as my home). Short of the noise of mahjong (we still have a few rounds of our own but since we are not worthy opponents of my dad so it don't usually last very long :S), short of all my relatives who are back in Malacca (which means short of angpaos T.T) and so on but I really don't mind much. What's more important for me is my immediate family :) Anyway if things go well I might still go back there for a day or two during Qing Ming. Definitely still had fun back at home! And totally no mood to study despite bringing back some schoolwork and notes. Might be able to think better if I didn't fell sick two days after coming back to Singapore and lack of preparation blah blah. Then might be able to tackle the dumb question the lecturer set for Water Resource Engineering. Brain was only trained to work one way for that quiz and when the question was horribly twisted I couldnt process it anymore. Oh well. Luckily I got way better the next day, for the forensic practical exam! Went to Crime Scene Village @ Home Team Academy for the exam. It's really a nice place! Mock HDB units, coffee shops, fast food chains, bank, minimarts and disco etc with props, even fake MRT station complete with fake MRT. That is a place where they train up the local crime scene investigators. The exam wasnt too well done I suppose, because all 3 of us forgot about some important things such as wearing a face mask. Had no idea how we forgot that despite one of my groupmates planning out how to wear her mask (she's wearing a tudung and hence cannot wear the mask over her ears - if you get what i mean). And too many distractions lah. My group had a burger restaurant and there were a lot of random stuff lying around which the instructors kept coming around and telling us those are not the stuff they planted there. =.= Hence wasted quite a bit of time which resulted in a mad rush towards the end. Overall we still had fun though. Let the pictures do the talking!  My team's crime scene!  Our poor victim, "Ashley Tan".  DSB Bank lol.  Jason's minimart. Another team's crime scene.  There is a Chinese Medical Hall!  View of the Crime Scene Village. The escalator in the background is merely a very steep flight of stairs and imagine running up there to report because we were late. :S  The MRT train!  My team - Yan Ping, Nisa and me - with our kit and our evidences in the trash bag. Err, after they are checked through and "processed by the lab" Many uncertainties recently...another 3 month break is approaching (yea, I am trying to cheer myself up) and this time round I don't have any plans in mind! Most likely no float, and there is YOG to handle (albeit only two weeks of work but I am sure there will be plenty of training and what not before that), which I think will render me unable to do any form of attachment or internship (not that I am actively looking for one in the first place). I desperately want to do something constructive but am not actively looking for one. How ironic. (suddenly remembers about the video I saw yesterday for PBL introduction. Girl: Let me introduce myself - I am XXX, I like to watch TV on a sofa (or sth like tat) so you all can call me couch potato. =.=!!!) But yea, I think I don't want to be a couch potato. Away from studies is nice, but I dun think I like being totally useless for three months. March - also a season when discussion about points heat up. Sigh. Even though I have done much more work compared to last sem I am unsure of a place in hall...haih if that really happens I suppose I will move out la. No more master list rubbish for me. =.= Okayz back to work. |
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Another week
posted : Sunday, January 24, 2010
Now that I am relatively free as compared to last week, its time to hit the books...the challenging part is to focus on what I need to do.
Failed to be productive at all this afternoon coz I ended up watching The Time Traveler's Wife..yea I know its a love story and blah blah..but time traveling is one of my favorite themes so yep I find the movie nice. Then went out for dinner and got dragged in to help in SP games for Hall Orientation. Plus distractions here and there and hence ended up only touching on my forensic stuff. Speaking of forensic stuff, last night's lecture covers sketch plans and photography, and a hands-on practical session followed. Was grouped with two life science girls (a second year and another third year) and was assigned the role of team leader by the prof and will be doing practical exams (i.e crime scene processing) with them. Very interesting session though. The kind of session which I enjoyed. :) Orientation for the juniors began last night also..Tech wasn't able to provide much support..because of manpower issues and late notice...but helped out last night and it briefly reminded me of the things I went through last year...it is definitely fun not to be on the receiving side. Really had to say this again. Yesterday was Master's latest "birthday" and they celebrated. T.T Anyway..Co-op's anniversary celeb went well in the end despite last minute preparations for the ceremony portion and mis-communications everywhere. Rehearsals the night before was horrible if you ask me, and some old, big shots who are just technology-illiterate just keep blasting away.Whatever. Freaking tired by the time the ceremony was over and had to skip a lecture because i would have slept through it anyway so I got it recorded. Nyahaha smart. The up side of the whole thing is I finally manage to re-live a prize winning moment :D Haven't won lucky draw for a long time! Too bad it isn't the grand prize (iPod Touch) but $50 Co-op voucher is good enough :D :D That is the Soil Mechanics book settled. Hehe. *************** When there is a conflict between your personal belief and your whole team's belief, how do you choose? This time round I ultimately chose to follow the team's decision though there is a slight pang of guilt. If you ask me, responsibility is ranked higher than respect and acknowledgment even though I will always complain if I don't get the latter. Complain only la. But sometimes people takes things for granted. They bend rules their way and expect people to follow their rules. I give credit to all the hard work they have put in but let's just say that nothing is easy and your job is not the only one that is tough and entitles you to expect the everybody else to accommodate you. Our job is not just technically challenging but there is an issue which I think is common across any role that provides service. People seldom appreciate your hard work and the challenges you face but are always quick to point out if you make a mistake. You can always tell if someone really appreciates your hard work or it's just a diplomatic act. In our case there are hardly anybody apart from us who really knows that what we do is not a piece of cake. 15 minutes to set up the whole outdoor system? Ridiculous. ***************** Am very tired, can't think properly. Shall continue this topic next time. Labels: forensics, NUS, Raffles Hall, rants, updates |
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Feeling blue.
posted : Thursday, October 15, 2009
The following is just concert rants, as usual. Skip if you don't feel like reading.
Heading to UCC tomorrow. I feel like I am not doing enough. I can't communicate with my members effectively and hence I can't manage them properly. I can't get HER to listen to me; and I end up listening to her suggestions. Then THEY come around, viewing me as incompetent because I am unable to make her listen to me. THEY make more noise. THEY don't trust me in getting their spotlight positions right. But I have been there for 8 nights. I make notes. I make the effort to remember what's happening in each and every song, and when it will happen. HE doesnt, and continues to think of less fancy lights, over riding what THEY want. In addition, I will have to answer to HER and the UCC people too. Bombs, bullets, knifes coming towards me in four directions. Brilliant. I will do things my way. Though I don't think I am not mentally strong enough to stand firm. I will be a very relieved person if I make it out of this mess in one piece. |
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One more week.
posted : Saturday, October 10, 2009
I curse you behind your back. I rant to the only colleague whom I can talk to.
Yet in front of you, I am putting up a fake smile and listening to you. And I am supposed to do you a favour by giving you free points? What's freaking wrong with me??? You may have just gone "slightly" overboard. Labels: rants |
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Bitching time!
posted : Friday, October 09, 2009
Have loads to complain.
You. I respect you, and I don't want to boss around and order you around. Having your own ideas is good, but it shouldnt be an excuse for you to dodge your responsibilities. You. It's hell for everybody else when you seem to expect more from everybody else, but little from your own people, especially when they are fooling around most of the time. It's also hell for everyone else because you just cant make things organized and prefer them last minute.Though I understand the bit where you have to take up a job yourself because other people decided to be irresponsible. Essentially just these two "tiny" issues that makes me wish that I wake up tomorrow and it is already the Monday of Week 10. I wish I can be more rational, comfort myself and say "let's view it as a challenge". Yeah, for the briefest period I really thought I could do it. My mood just goes down every night when I thought of the two issues above combined. I am now made to miss my favourite class and I have no choice because my heart will not be in the LT at all. And you. Don't give me that look when I say I can't miss my quiz. And I havent even got to the part about SEP plans being messed up. Unfair allocation! WTH. All these are just gonna worsen my psoriasis problem (at least, according to the doc). Please, please, just let me focus on what I need to do! |
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Spring cleaning
posted : Saturday, October 03, 2009
*clearing spider webs*
*vacuuming thick layers of dust* Blog has been left unattended for quite some time already so its time for some spring cleaning :) I think I realize blogging is much more productive then spending time roaming around aimlessly online. Shall not go into details about last two weeks - replacing the layers of dust with a super wordy post doesnt seem to be a good idea. But anyway, during recess week:
I half suspect I have this case of addiction to the online world. I will know I have work to do, but somehow I cant resist going online for a while, even when most of the time I don't know what to do online. I check my mails multiple times each day. The worse thing is it is not like I don't have enough things to keep me busy and away from the computer. Which results in work piling up. The NSC doctor told me psoriasis will stick with me for the rest of my life (which sounds seriously depressing when he said that, but it is a fact), and that when I have it controlled, stress will aggravate it easily, so he advised me to try not to give myself too much pressure. I guess he forgot that I am in Singapore, and given my personality the feat is almost mission impossible. Knowing your weakness is not good enough. Getting rid of it is the only way out. ******************** I have been making so many wrong decisions this semester, focusing on the wrong things even when I know exactly where my priorities lie. SEP applications open next week and I am yet to do proper research. As usual - "I will do it during e-learning week". At this rate my e-learning week a.k.a self study week will not be my rest week again. I more than half wish concert is over. It's one of the wrong decisions I made this semester, and no way I am going to repeat this mistake. ********************* Hall tech training session today was one of the worst I have been in. I couldnt really see the point of conducting this training when, admittedly, I still have so much to learn and I am conducting it on a guy who has much more experience than me. Ended up listening to him lecture because he gets more and more excited about sharing his experiences in his church band. Complete waste of time and throwing us off the real purpose of the training. [Ok, I was getting impatient that time coz i wanted to end fast]. I cant help but wonder why he doesnt feedback to us earlier when he has been in hall for the past two years. ********************* I sort of foresee this coming but just didnt expect it to happen so soon. Perhaps I am just too idealistic. Things are way different from back then but how did it turned out this way? I am very sure I am not at fault. I tried and I got fed up. Even if it is my fault it wouldnt do harm to enlighten me about it would it? I am clueless. It is disturbing, I don't know how to 除掉我们心中的那根刺. Times like this makes me miss the 4 of you most. |
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R. E. S. T
posted : Monday, September 21, 2009
Its finally here.
10 days of pseudo-holidays, but then a day or two of rest is on the top of my to-do list. :) Last week kind of rushed by that I almost can't believe its over. Especially the much dreaded 15th of September. Submitted the CE2184 ppt slides, and lecturer actually gave positive feedbacks about our topic during lecture. *clap clap*. Was completely lost during concrete mix design lab, because, unfortunately, didnt get to read the notes or do any kind of preparation beforehand. Though it was kind of interesting. And i didnt really get to heave a sigh of relief after the three torturous hours (because I was lost most of the time) as I have to rush down to help tech set up for convocation dinner. Which, from a technical point of view, wasn't too great...the worst thing was we kelam-kabut because master was on the stage in a flash and started giving his speech while we were still trying to find out why one of the emcee mics are not working...and so forgot to un-mute his mic. Hurriedly switched it on without realizing the gain was too high and thus resulting in a sudden and shrill "EEEEEEEEE". Disaster. I kind of don't dare to look at Looi after that. [oops, too many technical terms in the previous two sentences]. Rest of the performances are quite good, but our support definitely could be better, if only we had time for techinical runs before the dinner. Food was okay also, did manage to eat a bit before rushing down to hard court to set up for Night Market. Surprisingly there are more than 5 stalls (I expected less, really)..and it wasnt too bad in the end. Was kind of frustrated during the meeting with EMCC and UCC technical officers on Wednesday. Because the directors came up with a bump-in schedule which was totally unrealistic, because they did it based on their knowledge. The UCC officer, he didnt recognise me (though I worked with him twice already) so he thought I must really have sub-zero experience to agree with a schedule like that. And he spent a good half an hour explaining to us how it could be improved, which, essentially, is something which I am familiar with. And I couldnt exactly tell him I know what he is talking about and I havent actually seen the schedule they came up with before. Fell sick for the second time in as many weeks on Thursday, but fortunately it went away fast enough, thanks to Panadol and a good night sleep..so I woke up feeling fresher for my labs day on Friday. Aluminium beam fabrication was almost a complete disaster. The only reason why it wasnt a complete one is that we have something to submit. We did not do enough planning and we were incredibly slow because of errors when cutting the aluminium strips. We ended up finishing at 2.30pm when we should stop at 12pm, and the technician was fuming when he saw us there when he came back from sembahyang. Gosh. I don't really want to think about the result. Fingerprinting lab at night was more fun though. Even though I couldnt get very good prints for my fresh prints for some unknown reason. My toe prints were quite nice. And the idea of writing a 5-page report wasnt very appealing to me. Nevertheless, supper was very enjoyable even though I was late by almost an hour. Yesterday was supposed to be my rest day and instead it turned out completely opposite. Signed up for hall maintenance aux and somehow became the "float representative" and they bugged me with questions on what to keep and what not to keep in lower lounge. Sigh. I don't have much ideas myself, because you can't really decide whether a particular item is useful or not until you know what you are building. Some may not be useful for a particular year but dead useful for another. Not to mention the decision to throw away all the unused cloth from float/concert costumes. I wasnt the one making the decision but was partly at fault too because I didnt exactly stop them either. And the result? Helping YiShiean to salvage the cloth and a few completed costumes for this year's concert, from the huge junk container in the middle of the night, because it's partly my fault it ended up there. I did tell people to contact her but forgot to check if she has been contacted. And yeah. Add all these together and you have....I think I cant find a word to describe this. Time to mug and catch up on my studies, which I am lagging in though to a lesser extent. But I have doubts on whether I will be able to motivate myself to do so. And yeah, I am missing home terribly now..actually thought of buying an air ticket and fly back home for a few days because, after all, I only have one midterm after recess week. But then the thoughts of various meetings, consultations, reports and field trip immediately wiped out the idea of going home and sigh, I will need to wait until december. I hope I will still emerge as a refreshed person by the end of this week. Labels: holidays, NUS, offscript, Raffles Hall, rants, updates |
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New room!
posted : Saturday, September 12, 2009
Blogging from my new room now :) Internet is not up yet, but thank god can detect wireless from my block..quite strong and steady too so am not dying.
Summary: longer tables, which is not too bad but it reduces space for towel rack, my bucket and laundry basket etc. Less storage space, but i managed to fit in somehow. New mattresses (coming soon), new and much powerful ceiling fan (YAY!), new toilets which looks more modern but have some minor drawbacks...but basically am quite satisfied :) This week was rather hectic..but next week will be even worse. The whole LT went "Whewww" when Prof Cheong announced that he will try to hold the quiz on week 7..which gives us the whole recess week to prepare for (assuming not too much time lost on resting etc etc.). Though there are two tech set ups, two lab projects, one practical exam, two long meetings, one powerpoint presentation to keep me "entertained" this week. Some other people might have worse ones, but for somebody like me who have trouble focusing, it's enough to kill. I feel like ranting about concert now. This year's concert is so un-concert! Except for dance practices and maybe cast (I haven't heard anything about those) practice a lot of things are somewhat done in private. Costumers settle their costumes quietly - unlike last year when you can see them working every night. Sets apparently only need to prepare the props - again, unlike last year. Off-stage departments have been silently working as usual. Even tech - I am yet to organize a first meeting...only got to send them a formal welcome email and get them to read the script a bit. Suppose to have one before recess week and I still hope it happens. Only thing is, I AM STILL IN THE DARK. I have no idea what the directors want and at this rate if i don't go after them, they will settle it with the EMCC person themselves. Probably its my fault for not initiating discussions but I can't help but feel wasted. There is a meeting with the EMCC people this week and at this rate I am going to be a flowerpot there (i.e for deco puposes) because we don't bother communicating with each other. I am not the producer, but was thinking maybe if all department heads have regular meetings together we could at least know what is going on elsewhere lor. Like if the director wants to know anything can always bring up during meeting lor. Sigh. Coupled with the fact that I haven't exactly been very helpful in my group projects..felt quite bad. I know where my priorities lie. But I just got carried away. For instance, a (I realize this after I came back) very unnecessary trip to Suntec for COMEX 2009 since I know the brochures and flyers will be uploaded soon anyway, and I could have spent those few hours helping out with what they are doing. And the worse thing is, I am still unable to decide if I should get my new laptop or wait. Rawr. I am hoping I can somehow skip this week altogether. Labels: NUS, offscript, Raffles Hall, rants, techno |
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Procrastination
posted : Saturday, August 29, 2009
Lazy to think of a title..I almost don't want to put any. :S
Another unproductive week has passed..the fact that I don't even know how to start on the assignment question for Hydraulics tutorial made me kind of depressed. Submitted the answer (copied) which I don't really understand didnt make me any happier. Maybe I shud have done what ML did..handed in whatever I can do. Sigh, ethics and success (better results in this case). It always leaves me in a dilemma. **************** Hall activities have sort of started, for those in the leadership ranks, at least. Sat in during Phoenix interview and though I am quite pleased with the turnout, I am not very optimistic about the number of writers I will get. Sigh, shall not talk about the reason behind. At least, concert tech member count is now at 3 (excluding myself) and I suppose if I cant get anyone else I would just have to settle for that. Had to bring along a song and "be prepared to discuss about the song" for tech interview..which really made me go "huh?". Decided to just bring 往前飞 and tried to come up with something to say during Phoenix interview (they happen to clash) and ended up with a very awkward conversation with Ben. For the record, I din even notice that they have put up recruitment posters around hall (I doubt that many people realize it's from hall tech...the "Viva La Music" is too striking...people probably think its another concert or sth)..apparently they are going for ppl who at least have some knowledge on music this year. Probably the right choice... ************** Room balloting has begun and as much as I am looking forward to moving to the new blocks...have to cross my fingers and hope I get the room I want. Single room is out of the question, and hey, there might be a small chance that some will be available next sem...and I am very tempted. *Wait a sec, wat about the new laptop?* The temptation had sort of died down suddenly...I duno why, suddenly dun feel like splurging. What will happen to my old comp if I buy a new one? On second thought, maybe my old comp can still make it. Maybe the new comp, ok, not maybe, most likely the new comp will be a new form of distraction. It's mobility would have made my trips to say, Music Library, fruitless. Yeargh. I can never stand firm on the decisions I make. ************** Malaysian Night is a hall event which Malaysian freshmen organize every year..and since there is no freshman this year they decided to make it "Malaysian Day" and hold it at Sentosa. Was thinking whether I should attend or volunteer for RunNUS...ended up going for neither...the latter have enough volunteers already by the time I make up my mind (I took my time), and will spend one day with JiaXiang this weekend (would be going Sentosa too) and so I decided to skip the event too. Anyway to be honest I was a bit irked by the fact that I wasnt included in the mass email discussions about organizing the event...in fact i didnt know its wasnt a Malaysian "night" until I saw the poster. Oh well. It's not really a big deal, I know...but I just dun like being excluded. ************ Finally gathered enough will and made my way to UHC on Tuesday afternoon. I kind of like the service there. And doctor diagnosed my skin/scalp problem to be a severe dandruff problem..and was kind of shocked when she learnt that I have been using Dermovate cream for a long period of time. Oops. Referred to NUH at first, but since NUH cant attend to my problem asap (doctor recommended specialist treatment asap) I was referred to National Skin Centre instead. So had to go all the way to Novena next Tuesday. Need to pay for medication (if any) but the good thing is consultation fees will be subsidised up to $350. Hmm..had a first taste of the medical benefits of a NUS student..was given a tube of cream FOC from UHC too.. ************ 放开那些事与愿违，放开那些是是非非。 Labels: NUS, Raffles Hall, rants, updates |
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Week 2
posted : Saturday, August 22, 2009
Probably blogging in order to update ppl abt my life once a week is a good idea.
Week 2 is the last week in which I can enjoy tutorial-less weeks...not that I have many of them to begin with. The weekly ones are, unfortunately, both on Mondays. Was doing the Hydraulics tutorial and almost puked blood doing it. :S At the moment, I am still able to stop myself from falling asleep in lectures..though I feel sleepy in most of them and sometimes I daydream. Hydraulics is getting scarier, unable to understand why infrastructure lecturer is saying those things during lecture, attempting to read JC statistics notes to refresh my memory on stats, felt concrete mixing is an interesting topic, and did not even yawn during forensic lectures, probably coz lecturer was saying "the fail rate for this module is quite high..." I haven't been as productive as I wanted to this week..a lot of free time but I didnt get much work done..not even the "persuading people to join xxx (insert hall activity name here)" part. Either I talk to people and didnt follow up, or I din talk to them at all. For instance: was supposed to talk to hall tech head and discuss abt the possibility of having them join concert tech as well. Attempt 1: failed because his roomie is the current JCRC President and he told me to hunt for my own people instead. Attempt 2: wait, was there even one?? Had a chance to talk but didnt in the end. Conclusion: Am quite screwed up. I think I fail as a head. Cross my fingers and hope they included concert as one of the their 6 choices. Then at least I can salvage things. Had bubble tea launch, concert launch, AGM and points forum back-to-back on Wednesday, where I single-handedly set up the sound systems. Yeah man. Though it wasnt very tidy, had some problems with a wireless mic, and I almost died after the whole thing. The revamped points system (shall not give too much details) doesnt seem too bad, though I am 120% sure the points will be inflated anyway - not the JCRC's fault though, rather, its because everybody joins more activities than required simply due to lack of members in almost every commitee. I am actually wondering if 4 hall activities will be enough. At this rate, probably no. :S Sigh, wish things were as simple as "do 3 activities and guarantee stay!". Labels: NUS, Raffles Hall, rants |
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Cornered
posted : Sunday, August 16, 2009
Yep, my tweets were intriguing all right.
I think for some unknown reason my brain isnt working very well at the moment. For instance, I randomly decided to go to the Science Library just now to borrow the forensic textbook from the RBR section...I wanted to borrow overnight..but I can only do it after 2.30pm. So I sat in the library and read my notes and online forum until2.30pm. Then I realized I duno why I want to borrow the book overnight. To photocopy? No, I am thinking of buying the book first hand. To read? I doubt that it will work. So, I ended up having to go back to Science Library early tmr to return the book. :S Oh, and did I mention, while waiting at the bus stop I realized I dont know where the Science Library is. I ended up in the Department of Pharmacy. And after a little bit of walking I found the directions and I realized I know where the library is all the time..just that I somehow forgot about it. I had no idea why the past few days have been so hectic. And its only week 1 for goodness sake. Probably because mum came but I dont mind that, not at all. :) I probably need a longer break, which, I think, is sort of a luxury now. Because I have 5 modules, 3 projects, and not to mention 5 hall activities unless I decided not to join tennis. Yep, 5 activities (although I completed one already). I have been expecting the 5th to come knocking for quite some time, and I have been trying to avoid it a bit, but finally I got cornered proper last night. Calvin the concert producer called me last night when I was on my way back after a day of shopping with mum and her friends, says he wanted to talk to me about sth. No surprise, coz concert sign-ups this year has been pathetically small and there are zero sign ups for tech, which is in fact lacking a head still. So on my way back my head is filled with ideas on how to reject him or at least try to reduce my workload. Though, i think, I cant escape. "Try to make him join Phoenix...tell him you wont work for him unless he works for you." Yi Shiean suggested after I ranted a bit to her during Phoenix meeting. Apparently that is the culture in hall now. In the end, the conversation ended up as: Calvin: There is seriously nobody else I can find to take up the job le.. Me: Okay, if i am taking up the job i need somebody to help me coz I cant do it alone..etc etc I practically gave in without much fight. :S I think I kind of accepted the job because I felt that it's quite difficult on his part also, coz it is a difficult year for concert (sidetrack: I actually dont really support the idea of having concert this year but then....), and the fact that I was quite interested in the first place after concert last year. Then I ended up assuming I will go to Melb next sem and thus I will take 6 modules this sem and i will be super busy. The dream diminished, but I am no longer keen to take up the job either, and now I gave in partly because I remembered how I felt last year. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I felt like backing out. Late night meetings. Discussions with the UCC people (whom, from my experience, can be quite intimidating). Lights is gonna be crazy this year coz there are quite a bit of dances (and most likely I am doing lights coz I did lights last year). Not to mention missing my forensic lecture (I will try not to). And so on. But then, 5 minutes ago he called and asked me to come for a photoshoot session for commitee members tonight, and guess what, I agreed without much thought again. *bangs my head on the wall* I suppose I can only try to do my job properly, cross my fingers and hope everything goes well, and doesnt affect grades too much. I probably need to pull out of tennis, and I think this year is the only year in which I have a chance to play, coz next year freshmen will come in again and there wont be space for noobs like me..and there is a coach this year! I get to learn! Darn. I need to work very very hard this semester. Shucks. Labels: NUS, Raffles Hall, rants |
