First there’s that urgent/impromptu trip up to KL to support a friend in need. I still am not sure how to put this down in words because…I still don’t quite understand what happened? All I know is that I needed to be there to make sure she is okay, because at some point during the week I feared that we had lost her forever. Distance apart and the fact that her family is scrambling to attend to it (and thus don’t have time for us) meant that news were trickling in and we had to try to find other news sources, piece together what happened, and desperation grew. In the end she’s fine, came to terms with her loss, and seems eager to move on. But I’ll never forget that surreal feeling of fearing for a close one’s life (even though as we found out later, she was never actually in any danger). 

Then came back from KL right into work appraisal session, on the same day. Teams are fine, almost everybody took their news rationally (some admittedly good news, so I don’t see why they should complain) and the one that didn’t, I thought I dealt with it fine. Maybe playing the pity card worked, which brings me to the next point of why I even had a pity card to begin with. 

I have been saying for years that I put my team(s) up front and I didn’t mind my own score, so long that I am satisfied with what I have done. I have been chanting the mantra that it’s totally fine if bosses don’t see it, so long I have done what is right. That tune has been growing weaker with each passing year and this year I completely lost it. 

To be fair, it was a good score. It couldn’t have been better, actually. But the focus was all wrong. I would so gladly trade the score for a grade promotion, because I very clearly felt that I belonged there. All the work I have done this year is of that level. My peers have been there for years. Within my division I have been overtaken even. But while HR’s goal posts shifted, boss’ ones haven’t. To be told that I have done nothing wrong and even excelled (and hence deserved that score), but am just not old enough - quite literally - was such a bitter and discouraging blow. I sort of saw this coming to be honest (re my post last year), but being through the year I had got my hopes up and so the blow ended up to be pretty heavy. And I felt like everybody saw my bruises. 

I am now supposed to build up my profile for a potential chance next year. Was that not what I have been doing? To make things worse, HR shifted goal posts for my juniors too so right now, I am expected to do more than them while sharing the same grade/title, while having the extra task of “building up my profile” as if doing more than them is not an automatic ticket. This is the shortest possible end of a stick. 

I was running through so many different scenarios in my head since last week and most of them involve leaving this all behind, and moving on, elsewhere. I had to dig really deep to remind myself of my cause, just to get through the week. Friday morning I basically sat and stare at my laptop screen for an hour just watching the email numbers go up and wondering why I do this. I don’t always see eye to eye with my boss(es) on issues and that’s professional and fine, but I felt like this obsession on age maturity crossed a personal line - even if it doesn’t happen to me, it’s gonna happen on someone else and possibly in my team, and I felt like I won’t be able to deal with it again.  

Second week after the news was a bit better, but I haven’t shaken off those thoughts and looks like I will be on the lookout. Who knew? Though it’s also equally possible that I distract myself with life and procrastinate on this front. Hahaha.