First things first, scoring system changed from a numerical one to an alphabetical one this year. I don’t recall them announcing or sending any emails about it, so when boss texted (yes, that’s her style) about it I was stumped for a bit. And at that point boss was still in the midst of her two month post-op hospitalization leave and I didn’t want to disturb or bug her with questions about it (even if we know nothing about her condition and whether she is recuperating well or what not). And quite frankly, why did they still make her be the one that release the scores anyway? D could easily do this. Sheesh. This management style is still something I can’t quite figure out. 

Anyway, because I got the text while on my way out to buy lunch, I can only make an interim conclusion in my head on what the score meant under the old system while waiting to go home and dig out email archives on scoring system change. And that conclusion was something that I didn’t like very much, so I spent much of the lunch hour annoyed and forming various aggressive monologues in my head which made for a rather unenjoyable lunch. 

Went home, dug around a bit, found a FAQ in the intranet (they really didn’t send any announcements) and…basically I got angry over lunch for nothing HAHAHAHA. 

That said, and even though I said a long time ago that I will not expect any promotion this couple of years, it’s still tough to swallow. It’s my decision to venture out, and this is the price I had to pay. That doesn’t mean it hurts less especially when the list came out and you look at all those names, and realize you are now even further behind the pack when you really should be a front runner if you hadn’t left. 

There’s also this bit about feeling, I don’t know, inadequate? That you have not made a good enough impression to warrant any special considerations, but, eh, it wasn’t what I was gunning for in the first place. Like, what am I expecting? I clearly didn’t give my all these two years. So I got over this part pretty quickly. 

And about that - with less than 3 months to go, we have arrived at another turning point. I think I really made up my mind about a year back, and recent events only validate that, but what a tough road I will have if I went ahead. Literally nobody thought it’s a good idea to go back seeing how things have changed there (except those who helmed the changes) and the recent exodus there only proves that.

“I wouldn’t come back if I were you.” 

I don’t know if I am making excuses to defend my decision, but it really isn’t that straightforward? Because if I were to make an abrupt U-turn, there really isn’t any good excuse to mask the fact that I don’t want to endure this hardship. And it’s really not as if staying is the best option because I really don’t see a future here. The question, then, is do I want to burn bridges because of a potentially short term issue? Or set some conditions, tough it out, and be “rewarded” later? 

It’s a tough question to answer, and anyway I don’t think the answer still matters seeing how plans are already in motion. As I jokingly told some of them - if anything goes wrong eventually I’ll just flip table and go (even though I really don’t have any back up hahahah). 

But you better give me my long break before this man. If you take even this part away from me imma just walk away now.