In many ways this was a dream job of mine. It’s the best I could ask for from the moment I took up CVE, because being a structural or geotechnical engineer simply wasn’t an option. Those were the aspects of CVE I hated most (even though I consistently score well in geotech, and let’s just say I don’t know how I scored decent grades for struct modules). Transport was literally why I decided going to CVE was ok (that alongside the fact that I preferred NUS). Going through internship strengthened that resolve. 

It’s a pretty limited career choice in a way, because it’s a very specialized field and I don’t see how the technical experience I have gained here can apply elsewhere. I started out thinking I wanted to do road design, but my preference had shifted to traffic by the time I ended internship and so happens that traffic was one of the first few that came knocking on my door so I took it. And just like that, spent the first eight years of my career in it.

This has been some ride. I loved the technical aspects of it. I loved problem solving, how small adjustments can lead to major impact (not so much on negative impact tho). Reviewing traffic plans are my favourite. Watching traffic plans translate to life, traffic schemes working as they should, is indescribable. Sure, I am not the one constructing the road per se but to be directly involved in it, gave me a lot of satisfaction. Being a stickler for details meant reviewing plans were never a chore. Touching virtually every aspect of road planning, design, construction and management, even rail projects that almost always involve road elements. Dealing with external consultants and agencies. I can go on and on.

That said, it’s of course not completely rosy - my major pain point was dealing with complainants. There is no sugar coating this - you always try to put yourself in their shoes, but complainants will never bother to understand where you are coming from - customers are always right, they say. It’s this notion of treating them as “customers” that I had an issue with. Internal customers that mastered the art of taichi and will always want you involved (yet never listens to you) just so you can be a convenient scapegoat. And don’t get me started on political pressure applied, which meant that sometimes principles are not upheld (which is just a vicious cycle, really) and there are times we literally had to find excuses just so people get their way. Those are the most tiring battles, because you spend time and effort on something against your principles, and it’s just so easy to lose heart when it comes to that.

There are multiple times throughout the eight years that I have considered letting this all go because I got tired of it all - but a combination of reminders of what I loved about the job, and miraculously each time round a big change happened led to the thought dissipating. The first one was when I got tasked to lead a team, and the second one was when I was put in charge of THE project. 

It never escaped me that how privileged I was to be put in a position to lead a team, a mere 2.5 years into the job. Going in I had a lot of doubts - biggest of which was my relative “juniority”. It doesn’t help that I concurrently have my own area to run, while shouldering the heavy responsibility of RTC all at the same time (maybe it does help in that I got too busy to have any negative thoughts). But the exposure to all other areas, new challenges including people management, proved to be enough to keep me going. 

I never really saw myself as a leader kind of person. My last experience leading any sort of team was PhoenixPress, which was pretty much a disaster (though the yearbook was published in the end, yay?) but I guess that’s because it didn’t quite mean much to anybody (really, what hall spirit?). But quite literally 天时地利人和 combined powers and there I go. It took a while for me to really be comfortable, making decisions, guiding based on what I know bosses are looking out for, and above everything, teaching them what I know. I settled down on the idea that I should focus more on coaching rather than leading, and the moment I decided on that I started really getting comfortable with the post and shutting out other thoughts.

And to be very very honest - and I repeated myself quite a number of times - I am also blessed to have this team. No big egos (maybe some at the beginning but tamed down after a while) amongst the team, very stable team in that I almost had the exact same team for about 2-3 years, and no major dramas. I like to think that my instructions are usually sound and hence they listened. There are those who performed, those who improved over time, those who got too comfortable (and hence don’t complain). Team camaraderie was there, because that’s their character. Things went smoothly, much more than I imagine. 

I also never liked the whole appraisal responsibility of the role but it’s just something I had to roll with because, who else if not me? I thought I cannot let them down. Of course it’s not gonna end well for everybody, so it’s no surprise that it’s a thankless job. At the end, I almost felt like a teacher - few students appreciate a teacher’s effort after they left. And I got over it.

A couple of years later after I got into a groove - somehow there are quite a number of work days when things were so effortless - those earlier thoughts resurfaced. But RAG came along and I got thrown into it - and you know what happens next. I may have ranted a lot but I have also looked back and realized how much I have done and how fruitful most workdays are. And I will always be very proud of it.

Getting included into the program was something I didn’t see coming. I had no idea it existed, first of all (and apparently if I have been doing well over the past 6 years, why was I only included now?). And it goes back to the very fact that I still don’t see myself as leader material. Even now I still really hated how elitist the whole idea is. But I looked at the positive side of it - firstly, I made it clear that my preference is a specialist track rather than a management track. And I saw the benefit of being exposed to other aspects of the traffic cycle, and how often does an opportunity to transfer without getting at odds with the division you are leaving behind, come knocking? Very rare, actually. So amidst my hatred (and fear) of change, I took it up, even turning down a possibly tempting bargain along the way (I wasn’t at that point in life where the offer will become that tempting). 

Though I did ask for more time so that I can ensure that RAG is in a good state (exact words I used was that I have “unfinished business”) and succession plans are in motion. The former happened, much to my relief; the latter didn’t materialize despite my effort (and a fair bit of drama along the way in which my plans went awry), and it will remain as a personal regret. 

COVID and CB meant that plans got delayed for a bit, though not by much because it wasn’t a good excuse after a while. So that brings 8 years to a close. 

Have had a lot to think about over the past week as I reflect. Part of me thinks that maybe I am overthinking this and it really isn’t a big deal, changing jobs (essentially it’s a job change even though it’s internal). Some job hoppers go through it regularly like once a year. But I guess part of the sentimental feeling I have been getting throughout this week is because I genuinely loved parts of the job. It’s not as if I am parting on bad terms and can’t wait to go off. And the length (ok maybe this differs from person to person) meant a strong sense of attachment to them which I will probably find hard to shake off. 

As of now it’s still difficult to say if I will definitely be back (ironic because the reason why I agreed in the first place is to come back with more knowledge) because, a lot can happen in two years, work wise and personal life wise (I hope). But I know for sure I have learnt a lot from the last eight years and given the right opportunity, I would want to give back. 

There’s a bit to say about my last day on the job too, but I suppose I will leave it for another day and post.

So tomorrow, a new chapter begins. I remember the same feeling of apprehension close to eight years ago, the night before I started this job. The unknown I stepped into then turned out well. And I hope it will happen again this time.