Knowing that this year I most probably won't be around when scores are released (unless they are uncharacteristically late), I spoke to my manager beforehand to see if he could help release it if it was say, few days before my return. Otherwise I could do it myself coz, I really think it's a good time for them to reflect and see if they can improve further. For those who didn't do well anyway. Also arranged a chit chat session on the day I return to work post-trip. 

Turns out the results came after I returned to SEA. Like, when I was waiting to board my flight to SG from KL. 

Most of them did well. Kinda knew beforehand actually so nothing much to say. Of the 6 I spoke to on Friday, the first three did well and I literally just spent 5 minutes in each of them, more of cautioning them that this upcoming year will be really really tough coz of the massive pool they are in. The other 3, one I had to spend some time consoling coz honestly I thought he deserved better. One, well, knew what was coming. And the last one scored well too so it was another short session. Of the two on Monday, both did ok too though there are a few points I kind of still missed out coz I actually didn't really prep well for the session despite the long lead in time I had. Blame it on Japan.

Makes me realize again how helpless we are actually when it comes to this matter. TM Sandwiches, I kid you not. Sandwiched between subordinates who looked at you to fight on their behalf, and superiors who have a unique way of deciding things. *grim*

Second year I am doing this and as usual I was a lot more concerned about their score than my own. So I did well again this year (sorry for boasting), tried to ask my manager how he rates my performance so far as a DYM but he clearly wasn't well prepared for this question so he kinda gave a vague pseudo-answer and I didn't press on. Would have been a useful remark coz that was something I really wanted to know or rather, need validation. I am insecure that way. 

And on top of that, the promotion came. Very fast, for our division's standards, in fact the fastest in recent years, which my manager made a point of reminding me. One year late, if I compare myself with peers from other divisions, but he always brushed it aside as they being at a disadvantage to begin with coz they are not earning the so-called "engineer's salary". 

It was something I never used to make a fuss about because of the aforementioned point of being on the fast track within my division. I feel quite privileged in fact and I am always thankful, and always wondered how I ended up on the fast track. I definitely don't see myself as being that good. There's always room to improve. It's just that I have been offered opportunities. 天时地利人和, like I told one of my friends recently. So there's a sense of awkwardness for overtaking a couple of people who are still stuck on that grade, especially the one who had more experience, and does the same work as me, and IMO has excelled in it, but wasn't recommended for promotion. Which I tried to shrug off.

So these are some conflicting range of emotions - sense of entitlement because the rest are already there so why not me, who's doing even more than them because I now have a team to manage. Awkward/guilty, because of what I mentioned earlier. Definitely looking forward to higher pay, because now I have more financial capability to achieve my goal of living independently. 

So much so that I didn't even react much to the promotion news. Yea it's a good thing, but it's just...odd. Definitely trying to just look at the positives without thinking too much. 

Oh and next year it's gonna be tough on me too, because it's a whole new level of people that I am being compared against. Probably not going to score well seeing that I have no plans to change the way I work or try to stand out. That's how I work all these while - I don't aim to please. I aim to do my best and if that pleases, good for me. If it's not enough to please, which it may not be next year - sucks for me then. 

We'll see how.