I was under the impression that I have it under control...and with regular cream application I can keep it less visible. Reduce the skin growth so I wouldn't have to peel it off frequently, and I wouldn't have random bleeding stains on my shirt. All this while it kept conquering new areas and I lost more and more ground. And I really don't think it has anything to do with my work or lifestyle.

I put on a brave face every time someone asked me about it (problem is, it is incredibly rare too coz I wasn't close enough with many people for them to ask me about it - I actually duno if I am happier if ppl actually asked me about it). Shrugged it off with a "nothing much I can do about it, just hope the recession period comes soon". I made up various excuses and stories every time I went to get a haircut. I even dread going home sometimes even though I miss home a lot because I know my parents get increasingly worried about my condition every time they see me. I dread meeting friends and relatives whom I haven't met for quite some time. I even avoid looking at myself in the mirror now. I have not wore shorts out in a long time, even if I do, they are at least three quarters. I wonder if I would ever get to be attached in this state. 

And I kept hoping and praying that it will at least recede a bit soon. I might even lose my belief soon. Birthday wishes, wishing wells, shooting stars etc etc are never for real.

I live life as normally as I can, but there hasn't been a single day when I have not thought about it. Seeing all the people and men out there...I feel abnormal. Probably borderline hating myself now too. Yes I have accepted that it is now part of me, but I never stopped wondering how this could happen...must have done something really terrible in my past life to deserve this. Else how come i so "suay" to get the right combination of genes to have this, right. Yea i know there are lots of even more unfortunate ppl in this world so sue me for whining about this, because this is really my limit already i duno if i can tolerate more terrible things like cancer and what not.

Cleaning auntie in office is always asking me about it and nagging at me to go see doctor...sometimes she tells me I shouldn't have kids because I should not pass on this "thing" wtf (and if that day really comes I think I will probably be so conflicted inside). I know there are alternative treatments, more drastic treatments, I don't really know what is stopping me from going to them...the cost? The confirmation that "yes it is really that bad creams are no longer sufficient"? I duno.

I know there are still tons of positives in my life but this is such a huge negative i duno if anything can help me "break even". Sometimes I look back and I know this has changed me as a person...no longer confident about anything. Too much frustration built up within me and I am always lashing out on my loved ones now, the only ones I know who will still stand by me. Wait, I dun even know if that is true now.

I duno, I think I need some sort of help? Physically and yes probably mentally. There I have admitted it.