A lot of ppl have been seeing this word in my MSN nick.."Hectic"

Yeap. Life has been a bit hectic for me this two weeks.

Last week, I had to go home at around 7pm EVERYDAY. Monday, Tuesday and Friday, I went to NUS for my H3 lectures and registration, Wednesday and Thursday, preparation for CCA Recruitment Drive...This week, slightly better, at least I were able to take a nap one day, but overall still quite hectic.

Looking back, I feel that I am the one to blame for my hectic days. Why? Because, I have been slacking - exactly the type of attitude which I cannot afford to have in JC2. Well, although the scholarship is confirmed, but I really wanted to do well for my exams, maybe if I am lucky I might get to continue to uni on ASEAN Scholarship..provided my GP is good enough gua..(well I just heard of this today). Back to the topic. For instance, I havent reli been studying for my tests, I have been doing last minute work and I suffered from it. I got time to do my homework, but I didnt. Another factor will be CCA Commitments. For instance, my CCA teacher told me I might have to do more work because now I rarely attend meetings since I had to go to NUS THREE TIMES A WEEK for H3 Chemistry...and the thing is the local universities and MOE Scholarship Dept. look strongly on your testimonials and stuff like tat..they wanted to see you active in CCAs as well as academically.

One thing about me is that I seriously lacked in confidence...Well I guessed that is waht happened to my Physics last year..I kept on thinking that I cant do it and in the end I cant do it. That is one thing to change also..for example, I just got my H3 Chem notes today and already I feel like chickening out oledi..coz thermochemistry is one of my worst topics in chemistry since it involves a lot of physics concepts..and I think I definitely enjoy organic chem and inorganic chem more lo. See..I am thinking that I cannot do it oledi...

Another thing about H3 Chemistry..I think I will go into detail about this..coz I dun think ppl other than Stella n Valerie n Eng Aik understands..Basically H3 subjects are like first year of undergraduate..refer to the following website: http://www.moe.gov.sg/cpdd/alevel2006/experience/levels.htm
There are three different types of H3 courses, one offered by NUS, one by NTU and the other by MOE. For Chemistry, the one by NUS is on Physical Chem, while the one by MOE is on Pharmaceutical Chem, which is basically organic chem la. And I applied for NUS one and I got in. Advantage: Exam is in April and basically after that I can focus more on my other subjects. And it is supposed to be easier. Disadvantage: Have to go NUS 3 times a week. I can elaborate a bit on my timetable: Lecture on Tuesday & Friday 4pm - 6pm, Tutorials on odd week Wednesdays 7pm - 8pm, Practicals on even week Wednesdays 6pm - 9pm. Going to NUS is not a big deal at first, it is actually a good thing coz u get to experience uni life, use uni facilities, but one BIG problem: it is one hour from my hostel!! That means I wasted like 6 hours per week on travelling time! And look at wednesdays, by the time i get back home I wouldnt have time to do my homework anymore.

Sometimes I really wondered how my friends can cope so well...they actually took 2 H3 subjects in addition to the 5 subjects they are doing now. but it is the MOE one la..dun have to go NUS. And they still feel like their testimonial wont be good enough, most of them have double CCAs and they participate in all sorts of competitions, research programmes and so on (which is like extremely boring to me). And yet they can still do well in all their tests and exams. I sometimes feel very small compared to them, I was like how did I get chosen for this scholarship in the first place? Maybe the whole of Brunei nobody really go for it that's why I get chosen. Yet sometimes I feel the other way round. I got false hope. For instance today, I was told that around 9 of my classmates and I was asked to attend a dialogue session with principal. When I look at the list, I noticed that they are all top performers as in they got 71 points and above out of 80 points (remember I got 71 points?) and I was happy to be classified as a "top performer", something which they labelled as "talent management programme students". Then when I reach there I realised that there are at least hundreds of ppl in this range. At that moment I feel very small. Some more today i heard that stella got 5 awards for being top student in various subjects and overall top student, and got interviewed by newspapers etc. I cant help but admit that I am very envious, yes, VERY. It is like I had been dreaming of this for some time, I mean, do well in studies and interviews and stuff like tat, but I know I will not achieve this. Stella was telling me that if I were in Brunei I should be the one in her place. Seriously I dont think so lo..I mean, I never told anybody else but there is something which I secretly promised myself a few years back. I noticed that I was being called 书呆子, 刘一名 and so on. 刘一名sounded very nice, but to me it is like a form of teasing, ppl were thinking that I only know how to study and do well in exams and dont know anything else. The fact is, I may not know a lot of things but I definitely know more than studying. Which is why everytime somebody say things like "啊？盛元也会听歌的噢？" I felt insulted, I secretly felt unhappy but I never showed it. Everytime I heard that my friends went out to watch a movie or something, I cant help but wonder why they never tried asking me out. Maybe they thought, or they knew I wouldnt go out, because in my secondary school days my parents watch me closely, as in dont reli prefer me to spend too much time outside, she feels I should focus more on studies. Could it also be because my friends and I lacked conversation topics, for instance, they talked about games and I never reli played things like Dota and so on? I had no idea.

So I promised myself: I need to change. I will persevere for two more years: until Form 5 when I graduated from my secondary school and then I will change, as in I will not like 拼死要拿第一名, 我厌倦了跟别人争的日子，我甚至发觉我其实并不太喜欢过这种日子。因此我决定把这当成一种挑战，我要撑到中五那一年，过后我就开始松懈下来，乘着来新加坡，一个没有人认识我的地方，开始改变所谓的形象。这并不意味着我放弃学业，我对学习依然抱着认真的态度，不同的只是我的目标已不再是为了拿第一名，我的目的只是为了学习更多。其实我自己亦发现，自从做了这个决定，我的成绩有下滑的现象，但是我得到了我要的结果。美中不足的是O水准考试的一个B3。也许现在的我在朋友的心目中已不再是以前的我，也许有些朋友们认为我变了，变得不把学业放在眼里了，但是希望你们能够了解我。所以我一开始就不太想留在汶莱升学，因为我知道我这种想法肯定会行不通。

Well! Why I suddenly digress to this topic one? Maybe I need a pair of listening ears in the midst of all the pressure I am facing now? But I really hope those who read this dont go and spread this, I mean, although I wrote it in a blog but I only gave my address to a few close friends..Just read it and forget it,please dont mention it again.